INTRODUCING JAMIE LEVINE, NEW MOM BLOGGER FOR MOTHERHOODLATER.COM

A Single Mother by Choice (Sort of…) -- by Jamie Levine

I’m a single mother by choice. Though “by choice” isn’t quite an accurate description of my lifestyle. Yes, I chose to have a child on my own. But I didn’t exactly choose to raise a child without a husband by my side. Circumstances steered me that way.

My parents have been married for over 50 years. My dad is a great father, husband, and simply, a mensch: A caring, generous, affectionate, thoughtful guy—the kind of man I’d like to marry. And the type of guy I always pictured fathering my child(ren). However, after years and years (and years!) of serial dating, all I ever seemed to meet was Mr. Wrong: Commitmentphobes whom I tried (unsuccessfully!) to reform, commitment-minded men who bored me to tears, and even men who were good fathers already. (As in…they were finished having children.) I never found my own Mr. Right. So, as I grew older, I decided to take action…and, at the age of 36, I “chose” to begin my path to single-mom-hood. I decided to do things backwards: Become a mom first and a wife second. Since I do still hope to be married someday.

“Choosing” to be a single mother does have its perks. I don’t ever have to fight with anyone about child-rearing issues. Heck, even my daughter’s name was all my idea—and I didn’t need to run it by anyone else. I also don’t have to worry about taking care of anyone but Jayda and myself. There’s no one else to make dinner for, do laundry for, or clean up after. (And no one else to apologize to about my messes…or my lousy dinners!) Finally, when I do meet a man whom I want to date, he doesn’t have to worry about my “unresolved issues” with my ex—or any contact we might have as a result of sharing time with my daughter. There is no ex.

But of course, there’s also no doting dad for my little girl to look up to. And while a part of me is saddened when I think of Jayda growing up without a father like I had, I know she’s more loved than a lot of kids. She’s also fortunate to have other wonderful men in her life who adore her—uncles, friends, neighbors, and most importantly, my father. And for now, that’s enough.

Jamie Levine is an accomplished children’s book/gift buyer and online marketer, as well as a certified life coach. Currently, she is a freelance writer and consultant, as a means to spend more time with her greatest gift—her 26-month-old daughter, Jayda. Jamie hopes to find a way to permanently work without much commuting before she turns 40 in February! She and Jayda live on Long Island, NY.

My Former Self

This has been an interesting week.

Seth started camp. Both he and I are adjusting to this new schedule, since the bus comes a bit earlier than it did for school, and returns later. He's been totally loving it and coming home completely ravenous. He walks in the door and announces that he's hungry. Now that I expect it from him, I make sure to have dinner started so he can eat pronto.

We've almost made it through another week with the contractors. The basement is moving along. I've come to realize what a truly blind item it is when you hire workers and you have no knowledge of construction. You come to rely on them completely to do what is needed and best. And, that's as it should be. But, I find it funny when the head contractor calls me downstairs to look at their handywork and attempts to explain why certain pipes have been moved, etc. I listen politely, but don't completely grasp all that he is saying. Fortunately, I know in my gut that he's on top of things, and that's what counts in the long run.

My datebook has been chockful of things to do this week....much minutia, I must say. And, it can get overwhelming at times. I was speaking with my dad today, and he started rattling off all that is on his list. It made me realize that we all seem to be grappling with a laundry list of things that require time and attention. When did life get so perpetually full?! And, he said to me that he's only one person (my mom passed away), and I really felt for him. Life can be busy enough if you have a partner to share it with. And, add to that children, and there's much to juggle and attend to.

I received an email via Facebook this week from a gal I used to work with when I was a Vice President at a NYC public relations firm. It was a true blast from the past and a welcome one. It brought me back there right away to the days of my having an office, wearing panty hose (not that I liked them), ordering in a tuna salad lunch from this delivery place I loved, hanging with office mates, and challenging my creativity on a daily basis, which, though pressured, suited me well. I was in my element. I didn't adore all the powers that be at the firm, but ultimately it proved a great learning ground to build my confidence and have my own practice for a period of time.

I was single most of the time I worked there, and hearing from her reminded me of my dating days, socializing with friends in the city, etc. I didn't love the daily routine of commuting into Manhattan (I lived in Queens and then Long Island), but I did relish the energy when I was there.

Last night, Marc and I got a sitter for Seth, which we rarely do on a weeknight. We had gotten tickets to see the Broadway musical Rock of Ages, since Broadwaybox.com had a special running on a number of shows prior to 4th of July.

The show featured music from the 80s. It's been a long time since I've listened to groups like Quarterflash and Journey. (I still have my record album collection in the basement at my parent's house.) It was a lot of fun, and once again, reminded me of another chapter in my life. Though I wouldn't trade where I'm at presently, there are times I must admit that I miss the days when, despite the fact that I worked fulltime, somehow life didn't feel quite as incessantly busy.

Perhaps part of it is the advent of technology. As much as it has the power to connect, inform and enhance people's lives, it's yet one more thing to do. And, really not "one" thing...but many....since the internet never sleeps.

Speaking of sleep....I'm not getting as much as I'd like/need with all that is on my mind and To Do list. But, I'm so glad it's a holiday weekend. I cross my fingers that the weather holds up and we get to hang at the pool.

There, I am somehow better able to focus on the immediate experience, especially when I'm practicing the crawl stroke. I've ever been one who loved swimming with their head in the water, so this is a whole new arena for me, and I'm enjoying the challenge. When my face is submerged, the world takes on an entirely new perspective, and there's something very freeing about that.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful 4th!

Loving My Dad, as Mother's Day Approaches

I lost my mom 10 years ago (before I became a mom), and my dad is 90.

I've written before about sandwich generation challenges as a "later" mom, and as Mother's Day approaches, I find myself all the more grateful for my dad.

I miss my mom and think of her often. And, I admit, I get pangs of jealousy when I hear of others making plans to spend the day with their moms in a special, celebratory fashion. I so wish I could do that....even just to hear my moms voice a bit and to see her react to my son.

My senior dad stayed with us this past weekend...his live-in aide went home. Both he and Seth had bad colds, so we mostly laid low in the house, popping Vitamin C, Cold Calm Tea, etc. and lots of napping for both of them.

My dad has had multiple abdominal surgeries in the last few years, and from each, has come complications leading to yet another surgery. He's now in a place where he has daily discomfort and is seeking relief, perhaps in the form of yet another surgery (elective). I can't fathom it and am not convinced it will cure his symptoms. And, I fear for his life.

I realize at 90, he can't live forever. None of us do. But, the notion of one day being parentless is hard for me to grasp. It always has been. I've thought about it for years, particularly since I became a parent. Being a motherlesss mother has been bittersweet enough at times.

I do empathize with my dad's pain, and wish I could rid him of it. Why does the scalpel have to be an option? Can't he just pop a pill? (He's tried, and has seen countless doctors.)

In a way I feel like it's selfish of me not to support him if his choice is to have a surgery. Yet, I can't help but question it. He actually made a comment to the effect that if he were to pass away during the surgery, he wouldn't know the difference anyway since he'd be asleep. Not that he wants to die, but he doesn't fear it.

How different we are. I fear it for him and anyone I love, including myself.

Maybe my dad has the right attitude. To forge ahead....and do what it takes to try to lead a better quality of life... ideally painfree. But, at what risk?! Surgery is not the solution for all, and you never can be sure how your particular body will respond. What about the recovery which can be rough at this age!?

I guess for now I have to try to stay strong and not get all stressed about the surgical prospect.

Mother's Day is approaching, and I do want to enjoy the occasion. Both my beloved mom and dad would want that for me. Not to mention my husband, Marc, and Seth. I'm grateful to have them both. Their unconditional love and support mean the world to me.

MISSING MOM

To give you an update....we made it through week three without a nanny unscathed, and things are gradually shaping up on this end.

We decided to enroll my son in an after school program for two days. Turns out a bunch of boys he knows are also in the program, so he's a happy camper about going there. And, we feel good about him having further socializing opportunities. Having him there is also helping me to straighten out my schedule, since I know that I have a bigger chunk of time available during the day to get things done. I feel a bit less like I'm racing the clock, though there still never seems to be enough hours in the day these days.

I've been sharing our nanny story with people gradually...those who knew her...and everyone is a bit stunned at the way it sadly concluded. Myself included, of course.

It made me think back to when Seth was a little one and how we've always had help. This is a whole new experience for us. So many moms I know have family support, which is so wonderful.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I become accutely conscious of family. I was speaking with one mom friend yesterday who mentioned she is cooking for 16. And, that she and her husband are going away in a couple of weeks to stay at a friends time share. Her parents or her husband's parents will stay with the kids (she has two) while they're gone.

I wondered...what is that like?

I am a "later" mom who is herself the product of "later" parents...and my mom passed away 10 years ago. My dad is a senior with health challenges. And, my husband lost his dad, and his mom is a senior. So, we have no parental help with Seth, and little family to spend holidays with. My sister and her family and my husband's brother and his family are all traveling for Thanksgiving.

I'm not a big entertainer, so I don't mind not having a crowd over for dinner. But, I do get a bit melancholy when I think of what holidays were like for me growing up. My mom would cook, and the whole house smelled great. And, I remember her signature recipes, i.e. matzoh stuff and pumpkin bread with chocolate chips. My husband now makes the pumpkin bread, which my son loves, and I feel like we're sharing a bit of my mom with him, who he never knew.

I mentioned to a new friend the other day that my mom never met my son and how much she would have loved him. I'm sad for that, though we talk about her and share her photos with Seth. And, one day (when I have the emotional strength) can show him videos. But, they remain hard for me to watch.

So, if you have your parents, I urge you to enjoy them and not just during the holidays. Stay in the moment. Treasure their presence in your family's life...even if the relationship isn't perfect. You'll miss them when they're gone, regardless, and perhaps wish things might have been different. So, seize this time and try to create as loving a scenario with them as you can.

I'd love to have my mom back, even for a moment, so she could smile at my son.

A Sandwich Generation Day: Cycles of Life

I have blogged on this subject before, and at the risk of being redundant, I feel the need to share my experiences of yesterday.

I am calling it a true "Sandwich Generation" Day. And, I wonder if you can relate. I'd love your feedback and to hear your experiences if you'd like to share.

Like many, I'm sorry to see summer come to an end. We had such a blast at our community pool, and I will really miss it.

Not only do I find the change of season a bit challenging, but yesterday, and this whole week, for that matter, I find myself in a somewhat conflicted emotional state.

Seth started Kindergarten today, and I took him to meet his teacher and to see the classroom and classmates. It feels surreal that he has hit this stage of his education. He loved the school, and got particularly thrilled when he asked the teacher if they go on class trips. She said yes, and the first trip is to a firehouse. Well...she couldn't have said anything better for Seth. Firehouses are his most favorite place in the world.

I am both excited for him and a little melancholy that he is growing up so fast. Part of me likes that there are more and different experiences we can have together, yet I like to cuddle with my little buddy.

It just gets me thinking about how fast time goes in general, and the cycles of life.

After returning from Seth's school, we met my dad at the diner for lunch. He was celebrating his 90th birthday! G-d bless him. I am so eternally grateful to have my dad in my life, despite his health challenges and not feeling up to par. I lost my mom 10 years ago, so his presence in my family's life is all the more treasured. And, my sister and I are planning a surprise birthday luncheon for him this Saturday, with family and friends. I want to savor our time together.

Such major milestones in the life of my son and dad this week!

Leaves me with a lot to think about. But, since I am the queen of overthinking, I'm keeping myself busy so I'm not too alone with my thoughts. The last thing I want to do is get teary eyed, though sometimes a good cry is the best release.

I am both sad and happy. I want to take note and rejoice in each upbeat moment and not let my emotions get the better of me.

Have you ever felt this way?

Phases of Life

My dad is turning 90 in September, and my sister and I are in discussion about planning a surprise party for him. Nothing super elaborate or large, but something special, heartfelt and memorable for all involved.

Last night, I attended a wedding for a third cousin with my dad. There I saw relatives many of whom I haven't seen in years or perhaps never met. My dad is one of 7, so there's quite a number of them on both his mother's and father's side. But, he only has one sibling living at present, a brother in Florida.

It got me thinking about the cycle of life. I am so grateful for my dad. I lost my mom over 10 years ago, and have blogged about that. And, I often wonder how long he will live (not that I want to think negatively). He has had a number of health challenges over the last few years in particular, and his age is catching up with him. I never viewed him as old. Age wasn't a factor. He's my dad, and that's what counts.

Looking at him now makes me all the more conscious of the passsge of time, and the phases we all go through.

At the wedding last night I sat next to a cousin in her 50s who was talking about aches 'n pains she never had before. And, how with each decade of life, comes wisdom and body changes. We do our best to help ourselves, but we can't control the entirety of our health.

Seeing the couple get married and knowing they're about to start their lives together, makes you realize the sweetness of life. Another couple there, cousins of my dad, said they are married over 50 years, and two beautiful sets of grandchildren were also parttaking in the wedding festivities last night.

It was so nice to be together for a happy occasion. For a while there, funerals seemed all too prevalent in my family, as I lost uncles and aunts, seemingly in clusters.

I have always found it hard to accept that losing loved ones is part of life.

When I spoke to my husband last night after getting home from the wedding (he & my son didn't attend), another phase of life presented itself and made me smile. I asked him how things went with him and my son while I was out with my dad. I had left them at our community pool, and they had dinner out.

He proceeded to tell me what a little daredevil Seth is becoming in the water. How after I left, Seth asked him over 'n over again to throw him over his shoulder into the water. And, how he and a little friend wanted to jump into the pool backwards before the lifeguard stopped them out of concern for their safety.

I thought....here my son is practically doing backflips, and my dad has his moments of struggling to walk steadily.

Aging is surely not easy, though it happens to the best of us.

I am so grateful to have an energetic spirit like Seth in my life, and hope that my dad will continue to enjoy him as well and share stories from his childhood. Maybe it will take him back to his days of youth, and I can see that spark in his eye. He, too, was once Seth's age, and the years have flown by.

GUEST BLOG: A "LATER" DAD'S PERSPECTIVE (in time for Father's Day)

STAY-AT-HOME DAD
By Grigoriy Lerman
(husband to Amy Wall Lerman, Northern NJ Motherhood Later Chapter Head)

“Would you write a little something about being a stay-at-home dad?”

I was loading baby bottles into the dishwasher at the time and looked up in confusion for a few seconds and asked her to repeat the question.

“Would you write a little something about being a stay-at-home dad?”

My wife was clearly talking to me.

A stay-at-home dad? But I never thought that term applied to me. Am I a stay-at-home dad? Wait! I'm 40 years old. I've already had one career and am working on another.

I guess I thought I was at home studying for my CPA exams and running a small (very small) business on the side. And oh yes, there’s this baby boy I take care of as well. I do all that from home and she commutes to New York City every day. I guess the term does apply to me. It was not a conscious decision for me to stay home with our 6 months old son; it just kind of worked out that way.

What can I write about? What about the frustration I feel when I’m desperately trying to finish something before Evan starts crying and I have to drop everything and go feed him? Or the pain I feel when he is crying and no matter what I do I just cannot seem to make him feel better? Every parent has had those moments so what’s so unique about my situation?

I was thinking about this as I strapped Evan into his car seat one sweltering afternoon. He was cranky and refusing to take his afternoon nap and I had a home project to complete. We had just bought a home theater system and I wanted to find some small wooden shelves to place the speakers on in order to get that full surround sound effect. Nothing like a little father-and-son adventure as a means of distraction.

Before she ran out for her bus to work that morning, my wife suggested I check out Michael’s, “they have shelves there – I’ve seen them.”

The dreaded Michael’s: with its racks of Styrofoam balls, reams of ribbon and aisles of plastic orchids. She’d dragged me in there before. This does not sound like quite the adventure I had in mind. Oh, but if you are a man with a “Baby Bjorn” strapped to your chest, venturing into this kind of place very much can be. As soon as I walked into the store I noticed that we were not only adventurers - we were pioneers. My 6 month old son and I were the only 2 “men” in the place. Women of all ages were browsing through aisles of “stuff” - but there was not a man in sight.

Move forth and conquer, I thought, and a few minutes later I was engrossed with some small pieces of wood I found in the paint-it-yourself bird house section. That’s when I saw him. Another man had just walked into the store, but he was not alone and was clearly not there by his own will. He was trailing two women who had become quite involved with a selection of buttons and the guy was clearly bored. For a brief moment our eyes met and then he turned away. I could swear I saw a smirk. “What kind of a self-respecting man goes into Michael’s by his own choice?” he seemed to be asking. A wave of self-consciousness hit me like a truck.

In the next aisle Evan cooed and reached for a jar of bright red paint and I regained my self-control. So what if I am at home during the day with my son and shopping at Michaels? If I am a stay-at-home dad I will be the best stay-at-home dad I can be and I will be proud of it. By the time I found exactly what I needed, I had completely regained my confidence. After paying the store clerk I asked for a copy of their latest promotional flyer she had lying by her register. I will be back.

Confessions of a "Later" Dad

I caught the season premiere of the Oprah Show on tv this week, and David Letterman was her guest. Broadcast specially from New York, much was made of Letterman's long-awaited appearance since he had joked for some time on his late night show about wanting to be on Oprah.

So, here they were. Two larger than life media powerhouses shooting the breeze. Letterman, who leads a very private life, for the first time that I have seen, opened up like a regular person versus someone who is "on." What I found most interesting was when the conversation pertained to his family life. Letterman, 60, along with his longtime 40 something girlfriend, is a parent to four year old Harry. He showed photos, and glowed as he spoked of him. Clearly, this is a "later" dad who never expected to become a dad, and he is super grateful for it.

What struck me was his candor. And, since you don't often hear from an "older" dad, it was refreshing. He said that one of the things he finds most challenging is the concept of "patience vs. discipline." And, I immediately thought, I know what he means.

When your child acts up, do you find yourself feeling compelled to discipline them because you don't have the patience to tolerate their behavior? This is natural....but how do you know when you might be overreacting because you're not as patient as a "younger" parent might be? Having your lifestyle changed so much by a child can't be easy for a man of 60.

Do you question your patience level? When it wears thin, does your child get a Time Out? And, do you second guess your actions?