Motherhood -- by Cara

I just finished watching a DVD called, “Motherhood.” When the movie came to the theatres not too long ago, I heard that the reviews were not great. But I still wanted to see it, so I waited and rented it instead.

The reviewers were right; it was, overall, not such a great movie. But for Moms, there were a lot of underlying issues that the movie brought out that I felt were great for discussion.

The first and probably universal one was time. Time for oneself. Time to do everything on your “To Do” list. Time spent with family. Time you give to your children. There is just never enough “time” to go around to get anything done completely. And the movie draws this out nicely but almost too accurately. The Mom (Uma Thurman) has her list. And it is the day before her daughter turns 6 years old. And throughout the movie, this Mom is trying to “beat the clock” getting everything ready for her daughter’s birthday party that evening. I could almost see it as an average day in my life, with the exception that this movie took place in what appeared to be New York City, while I live in the suburbs outside of New York City. Yet, as a book I am reading, called “The Mask of Motherhood,” by Susan Maushart states, “When we consider the alternatives to the juggled life, the picture is equally, albeit differently, depressing. There is no doubt that to ‘Do it all’ leaves women breathless and resentful.” I like that description. I don’t know how many times I’ve said to friends, “I feel claustrophobic,” with regard to my overwhelming list of other’s needs, coupled with other various, “things to do.” Friends have commented that they can’t believe all of the errands I can get done within a six hour time period. My record was 10 different stores in areas as far as 15 miles away in less than 6 hours! Give me a Starbucks Latte, and I can literally race through my day! But still and all, I may win the race, but the resentment is still there. One way to get around this issue of “time” is also reflected in the movie.

It seemed, in “Motherhood”, that each parent voluntarily took one of their children (there were two children in this movie) as a way to “share the burden,” so to speak. I am finding that a lot among the families I know. Even in our own home, our son seems to get passed from my husband to me or me to my husband so that we both can have a little “down time.” Personally, I don’t know that this is a particularly good idea because the family almost becomes fragmented. I see it in our own home. We actually have to schedule events for all three of us to go to. Otherwise, I am the sit on the floor, play a game, or do a craft type of parent. My husband is the rock climbing, swimming, hiking Dad who takes our son on more physical outings. I see and hear of many parents dividing their parental duties this way. In some ways, it gives each parent a little breather. On the other hand, the family becomes too distant. I guess only time will tell what works best for each family. Susan Maushart, in her book brings out, “There is no doubt that the exclusive-care mother has a more intense relationship with her children. It is also worth bearing in mind that both the concept and the practice of exclusive-care motherhood are historical and cultural anomalies.” Throughout history, mothers have always had some form of “help” when it came to raising her children. Grandparents sometimes lived in the same home or very close by. Aunts and Uncles would drop by and lend a hand. And mothers who lived near to one another would congregate in one or another’s home and provided much needed support, as well as a place for their young children to play. “It takes a village,” to raise a child. And if the “village” is barren, sometimes it takes a spouse or even a friend.

Finally, a very noticeable thing was that Moms were portrayed as looking only half put together, frazzled, day-old, dirty messes. I must confess, in the early days of motherhood, that was me to a “T.” But this Mom had a Kindergartener and a 3 or 4 year old. A neighbor commented that Uma’s character was still wearing her pajamas as she walked her daughter to school. She changed outfits when she returned home, but decided to forgo a shower to work on a freelance writing assignment. So many Moms seem to be running out the door in their pajamas (yes, I am guilty) to take their child to school or to get a quick errand done. But I TRY to look at least HALF respectable. Yes, there are the Moms who have hired help to maintain some semblance of orderliness in their homes. And they are the Moms who can actually take a shower, blow dry their hair (do I even OWN a blow dryer? I think I do...somewhere...), and coordinate their outfit for the day all the way down to matching pocketbooks. In this movie, and in my world, that just doesn’t happen. I can manage a shower and throw on some minimal makeup. But I seem to grab the same (clean) clothes week after week because they are readily available and they are comfortable. I actually have to search for a presentable outfit to have a parent/teacher conference in!

I think the take-away from all of this is that the average Mom (working full-time, part-time, or not) doesn’t have the same life she had before kids. There was a scene in the movie where a young, good-looking messenger carrier, helped Uma Thurman’s character by schlepping her numerous bags of items she purchased for her daughter’s party, up three flights of stairs. She asked him in to her apartment to get some water for him to drink. Although absolutely nothing at all sexual happened between them, you could feel their sexual tension. And you could imagine where this would have led had Uma’s character not been a wife and a Mom. And to recapture a little bit of her former self, she put on some 90s music and danced. And the messenger carrier danced. And Uma’s character looked wild and free and unburdened by her present life! And you could tell that not only did she miss that feeling, she recognized that it was now lost. And she abruptly shut off the music and shook the hand of the messenger and bid him farewell.

There are moments in all of our lives when we say to ourselves, what happened here? What happened to ME? The fun-loving, crazy, independent me? She grew up, matured, maybe married, had children and life became a whole different experience for her. Late nights out are now replaced with television or a good book before collapsing from exhaustion. Fun loving is now replaced by how many times you watch your child go down the slide (or you go with them upon their insistence) and find your body was no longer made to go down the twisty slide! And independence has been replaced with total dependence concerning every possible thing you could imagine pertaining to your child. Again, as Maushart explains, “It’s as if we were uncomfortable with the whole notion of choice—as if the exercise of free will were a form of conspicuous consumption too embarrassing to reveal publicly. Maybe we feel deep down that real choice remains a luxury to which, by virtue of being female, we have no natural entitlement.” Very possible.

But then, when you are on your bed, frantically responding to too many overdue e-mails, your child comes in with an armful of stuffed animals, a couple almost half his size. And he throws each of them onto your bed and climbs up to snuggle right up next to you with each of the various stuffed animals. And you quietly close your laptop, put it down, and look into your child’s eyes as he tells you stories about each of his stuffed animals. It’s at that point when you remember what happened to “you.” She became a Mom. And she wouldn’t change that moment or her life back for anything. She is embracing what she now calls Motherhood!

The Age of Motherhood -- by Laura

Last week I turned 45. I have never shied away from stating how I old I am, but on my birthday something happened that made me lie for the first time. I was in Central Park with my 10-month old twins taking a break from my jog when a woman in her 60s approached and ogled the boys as they slept in the stroller.
“Isn’t being a grandmother the best?” she asked.
“I’m actually their mother,” I said. “Not their grandmother.”
She was embarrassed and apologized, but I stopped her and explained it was OK. I have a crown of silver hair; I was disheveled from exercising. It was a natural mistake.
“Well, women are having babies at older ages these days,” she said.
We chatted briefly then she asked the question I knew she would: “So exactly how old are you?”
Before I could think I told her I was 40. Only 40.
On the way home I stopped at the drug store to look at hair color, and when I got to the apartment I went online and ordered $200 worth of skin care products. I also got down on the alphabet mat in the playroom and did 100 sit-ups and then 100 bicycle kicks, which left me barely able to move the next day.
I am embarrassed at being an older mom at times. I feel out of place with orthopedic inserts in my shoes, gray hair, glasses, and a heavier, slower body as I push a twin stroller down the sidewalk among the 20-year old nannies and the fit, fashionable, younger Manhattan mothers. And I am embarrassed that I am embarrassed by it. At my age I should know better. There are so many pluses to being an older mom – far more pluses than minuses.
But the real reason for the discomfort with my age is not just my crepe paper eyelids or the cricks in my back and ankles. It’s the time. If what I said were true, if I were only 40, I would have five more years – five more years of time at my disposal with my sons and husband. My lie wasn’t just a lie. It was a wish. A sincere wish.
While I write this, my father is struggling with declining health. As an older parent himself, he made a conscientious effort to be a fit man. My father learned to rock climb when he was 40. He hiked all over the Rocky Mountains with his children. He played tennis four or five times a week. But in spite of his excellent health and diet, he didn’t get a choice whether or not he got Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. For several years now, he is not able to participate in his own life, much less mine, and he has never met my boys. Yet if he did meet them, he wouldn’t know them because in spite of his best efforts to stick around and be there for his grandchildren, a horrible disease is scrambling his brain.
Even more sorrowful to me is that my sons won’t get to know the kind, quiet man who taught me the secrets of happiness: dogs, books, tomatoes, and camping. Lyle and Wyatt won’t have the chance to try to keep up with his long stride as he winds his way over the trails to the top of a mountain to watch the sunrise. They won’t hear his steady voice singing a cowboy song as he strums his guitar.
Some of my life’s greatest moments have been spending time with my father as an adult – two grownups together with a shared history and a deep understanding. I love that my father stuck around long enough see who I turned out to be, and he genuinely admires who he sees when he looks at me. I want to look at my children like that through the hallmarks of their lives. But when they are entering adulthood, which I believe is the best part of life, I will be coming to the sunset of mine. Thanks to my advanced maternal age, I may not get to meet the life partners they choose. If they wait as I did, I may not get to meet their children. I may very well miss seeing them achieve the things in life that can make them happy, whole, fulfilled human beings.
The next time someone asks me if I am the boy’s grandmother, I will try to be more grounded. I will tell myself I can live with the liver spots, the lines around my mouth, and the impending bifocals. But what will send me spinning is the thought of missing out on a minute of my boys’ lives. By waiting these extra years to have children, I am afraid I am going to have to lose a few years on the other end. And that kills me. Because this thing called motherhood is a wellspring of happiness, wisdom, pain, ache, joy and longing, and as Lyle and Wyatt grow through life, I don’t want to miss a thing. Not a single, tiny moment lost. The bitter. And the sweet.

Unlike My Mother -- by Laura

I’m new to blogging, to motherhood, to New York, and Motherhood Later...Than Sooner. My name is Laura Houston, I am 45 years old, and I have twin boys Lyle and Wyatt who are 10 months old. I recently moved to Manhattan from a farm in Oregon, and I transitioned from having my own business to being a stay-at-home mom. We’re a different lot – we mothers of advanced maternal age – and I find older moms bring a richness to their job that opens up a treasure chest of insights and wisdom. I hope we can all share.

I didn’t have much of a role model when it came to mothering. After four kids and a desperately common life in the suburbs, my mother got tired of being a mom and she checked out. And I got tired of being her kid, so I checked out. I did whatever it took to get out of the house, out of that Midwestern suburb, and as far away as possible from her life, her bitterness, and her unhappiness.

That was the start of my journey into motherhood. I called it the Do-Not-Turn-Out-Like-My-Mother Plan, and I hoped it would serve me when I finally became a mother, which is something I desperately wanted some day. I made most of my life decisions based on this question: “Would my mother do it?” If the answer was no, I would do it. If the answer was yes, I would not.

In order to have a life unlike my mothers, I wanted an extraordinary man who would want an extraordinary woman. I made a list of everything I desired in a man, and I set about to be that person. I went back to school to get my master’s degree. I spent a summer kayaking in Glacier Bay, Alaska. I started my own business and became financially solvent. I bought an old house, remodeled it, and flipped it for twice what I paid for it. I volunteered as a tutor for at-risk youth, and I ran a half marathon. I became a temporary foster mother. My life was almost as full and as rich as I wanted it to be.

But at the age of 35, I still did not have that extraordinary man, and I was running out of time to have children. My friend Valerie and I made a pact that at the age of 37, we would rent a limo and take it to the fertility clinic in downtown Portland and get inseminated.

When you’ve got a backup plan in life, it often seems you rarely need it. I ended up finding that extraordinary man one year before the artificial insemination due date, and this man was worth waiting for. Together we bought a farm that would be the ideal place to raise children. After going through six years of fertility treatments, we were finally able to get pregnant with twins. Finally, I could be the mother I had been training to be.

But five months into my peaceful, blissful motherhood, the phone rang with a job offer for my husband. It was a big job. In Manhattan. I asked myself, “Would my mother do it?” And of course she would not. So we left the farm, the chickens, my gardens, and the grape vines and headed to the city with our twin boys. And here we are trying to figure it all out and navigate the new challenges of motherhood and a fast city.

Living my life trying not to be my mother is not easy. At all. In fact, it’s downright hard. Manhattan is a challenging place to live for a mother of twins. My stroller doesn’t fit through some doorways, on the bus, the subway, or in the trunk of a taxi cab. The winter weather alienated me from my walks in the park. My dearest friends and helpers are 3,000 miles away. But I’m not living my mother’s life. Sometimes that’s the only gauge I have for measuring how I am doing. And most of the time, that’s enough.

GUEST BLOG POST: Banish Common Parenting Myths - by Elizabeth Pantley, author The No-Cry Discipline Solution

As if it isn't challenging enough to raise children, most parents believe myths that make them feel confused and inadequate. These horrible myths can spoil the joy of raising your children. You may have never realized how intensely these beliefs affect you, but they do. After you identify the myths that color your daily life, learn the truth about each one. By acknowledging that these myths exist in your life, you take the first step towards eliminating them. Learning the truth will erase your doubts and leave you open to learning effective new ways of raising your children. Here are a few of the most common parenting myths:

MYTH: If a parent is truly attached and committed to a child, then that child will behave properly.

TRUTH: You could be totally committed to your child from the moment of birth. You could do absolutely everything right. In fact, you could be a magnificent, spectacular, utterly faultless saint, and your child would still misbehave. The truth is: ALL children misbehave. ALL children make mistakes. ALL children will have temper tantrums, whine and fuss. It’s part of the process of growing up.

REALITY CHECK: Love your child, and do the best you can. And don’t let normal misbehavior wear down your confidence. Give yourself and your child enough room to be human.

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MYTH: If you love your child, and if your intentions are good, parenting will come naturally to you.

TRUTH: Loving your child is easy. Raising your child is hard. Effective parenting skills are learned. Parenting is complicated, intense, and ever-changing. In order to be a calm, effective, parent you need knowledge and skills, but almost no one is born with these skills.

REALITY CHECK: Just like driving a car, mastering a computer program, or becoming skilled at any sport or hobby – good parenting is something we need to learn. You can learn by trial-and-error – but that can be wildly frustrating. Instead, take a class, read a book, join a support group – you’ll be amazed to find that a few good tips can make your life much easier.

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MYTH: You should read baby books and take a baby care class when you are a new parent, after that you’ll figure out how to raise your child on your own - through experience.

TRUTH: Taking care of a baby is our first step in the journey of parenthood. Just when we feel confident with our skills for raising babies, we turn around to find many of the things that we’ve learned do not apply to a walking, talking toddler. We adjust our approach, only to find that disrupted when our toddler turns into a preschooler, and again when he becomes a grade-schooler, and again when he enters the teen years . . . and yet again when our child graduates and moves on to college or adult life.

REALITY CHECK: We actually have a brand new parenting job each time our child passes from one milestone to another in his life. Just like any other undertaking, the more knowledge you have at each step of the way, the more confident you will feel and the easier your job will be, and the better your life-long relationship with your child.

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MYTH: If parents are a perfectly matched couple, and they have a strong relationship, then they will agree about how to raise their children.

TRUTH: It’s very common for two parents, even those who are perfectly matched and in a happy relationship, to disagree about child-rearing approaches. Some may disagree about baby care issues, yet others will be perfectly in sync during the baby years and then find they are at odds when their child becomes school age or enters the teen years.

The way that we approach child-rearing is influenced by our own past experiences – both the things we choose to do, and the things we try to avoid. It is nearly impossible for two people to be in perfect agreement on every parenting decision.

REALITY CHECK: Even when we agree on basic fundamental parenting theory, we might slightly disagree on approach. Even if we agree on approach, our differing personalities guarantee that we won’t always handle things in exactly the same way. Good communication and ongoing discussion can help any couple to find agreement on important issues as they raise their children.

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MYTH: Good parents don’t lose their patience and yell at their children.

TRUTH: Even the most peaceful easy-going parent loses patience and yells from time to time. No matter how much we love our children, they will try our patience, they will make mistakes, and they will make us mad. All children have their “naughty” moments. And, guess what? When children are “naughty”--- parents lose their patience and they YELL.

REALITY CHECK: It’s normal to lose your cool and yell at your children, but it isn’t fun and it isn’t productive. Take the time to learn a few new anger management skills and some parenting tools. These will help those angry moments become less intense and less frequent.


Take some time to think about these and other myths, theories, ideals and expectations that you have believed. Ponder where these beliefs originated, and why you believe them to be truth. Then contemplate what you learning about the truth of the matter. When you analyze myths and replace them with your own truth, it can help you to approach parenting in a more honest, uncluttered and enjoyable way.

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Dancing for Joy -- by Robin

I'm taking an acting class through the local adult ed, and it's really a challenge in more ways than one.

A novelist/playwright friend of mine in town suggested it because she knows I aspire to write a play ("Mensch: The Musical" based on my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH...which means decent person). She thought it could help with dialogue, etc.

I have to admit I had no idea what I was getting in to. In high school I was involved with theatre. I served as Prop Master for the production of Arsenic and Old Lace. And, when they did Anything Goes...despite not being a singer.....I auditioned and got selected as an Angel. It was fun, and I got to wear some glamorous/borderline sexy attire....a far cry from my stretch pants and t-shirts of mommyhood. I loved it. And, have always enjoyed hanging with theatre people. Theatre is one of my true loves. To this day, I can't get enough of it. And, I've taken playwriting classes which I've enjoyed, and would love to study further.

All that said, when I signed up for the adult ed acting class, I didn't know what to expect. And, what I've found is more than what I saw coming, and it's frankly....invigorating!

The instructor, who is very experienced and talented, puts a lot of effort into coming up with exercises each week, and homework assignments. This week, she brought in a CD player and announced that she was going to play the music of her rocker godson, and we were to move. Then, move more! she proclaimed. Then, respond to someone else's movement, she said. So, basically we were dancing in what, by day, is a kid's classroom. And, it felt freeing. I was not worried about being self-conscious (okay...maybe a tad). But, I didn't have much time to think about it. And, it was cool. I lost myself. It took me back to my single days when I used to go dancing (in my 20s,) wearing heels and all. Now I found myself momentarily wondering if I even remembered how to dance. How did I dance back then? Were my movements the same or close to it?

I don't go dancing anymore. It's not that I wouldn't want to (though I'm not big on wearing heels anymore). It just doesn't arise...except if we go to a wedding.

Isn't it interesting how at different phases of our life certain activities come and go?! I can understand if, as you age, physical challenges and limitations set in. But, if that's not the case, then why do we cease pursuing particular activities that we once enjoyed? Did we forget we liked them? Have we lost track of what brings us pleasure? Are we so caught up in being "busy" (whatever that means) to even think about inviting joy into our lives?

I was watching actress Kate Hudson, daughter of Goldie Hawn, interviewed on Oprah this week, talking about the upcoming movie Nine. In it, she has a big song/dance number, and while she was super nervous and doesn't consider herself a singer, she was well-trained and pulled it off with aplomb. Oprah asked her, "Are you always so joyous? Whenever you come on the show, you seem that way. " Hudson explained how she was raised to feel things deeply and then seek out the joy. What a great life lesson she got and can pass on to her young son.

How hard is it to blast the music in your own home or ipod and let loose in the privacy of your home if you like? Dance for joy. Let it rip! And, who knows what else might come up for you?

As a child, I loved to make pot holders, crepe paper flowers and other artistic items. I even remember being an entrepreneur back then and setting up a flower/pot holder stand in front of my house, in an attempt to sell my wares. I was quite crafty, and to this day, would probably enjoy crafts, but I don't allow myself the time to pursue it.

I'm so focused on productivity and life responsibility, that doing something just for fun doesn't
regularly cross my mind. I do think of things that my son would find fun. And, we have fun together. But, his idea of fun isn't always mine. And, while that's ok....I envy his ability to relish playtime and focus on that and nothing else when he'e engaged. I, on the other hand, often have racing thoughts going through my mind of all I have to or have decided I need to do/accomplish. But, what would happen if I didn't? What if I put something aside? How would that feel? I'd like to find out.

I wonder what my acting teacher will have in store next class?!

Chilling 'n Clearing -- by Robin

I have never been a napper. My dad does it. A friend of mine swears by it. But, it's not my thing.

I'm not particularly good at relaxing. Never have been.

But, the other day, I spontaneously gave into my desire to chill.

I put on the television one late afternoon and watched a movie on cable. I laid on the living room couch with a bottle of water, and gave myself permission just to watch in the dark. It was peaceful, spontaneous, and I loved it.

Back in my single days, I'd often spend part of a Saturday practicing self care. Hitting the gym. Doing my nails. Reading the paper. Watching a good movie.

Since becoming a mom, weekends are no longer my own. So, if it's alone time I seek, a weekday when Seth is in school is it. But, how to give yourself permission to take a break from work (I work from home) and other chores and errands? And, if you do give yourself a breather, how to do it without the guilt? What's the point if you can't totally relish it without thoughts racing through your head of what you could or should be doing instead?!

Sometimes I think about the different phases of life and how much things change. Life doesn't stand still for anyone, especially a multi-tasking mom. Just look at how fast our kids grow up. My son is 6.5 already.

I was at my evening acting class Wednesday night, and when I came home, my husband told me that Seth (at bedtime), told him to promise to tell me that he loves and missed me (since I wasn't there to tuck him in). I was SO touched that I wanted to give him a big hug immediately, but he was sleeping. I know the day will come as he gets older when he'll need me less and less, so I treasure comments like that. Yet, at the same time, I was grateful for the time away at my class that I am enjoying.

Motherhood can be such a conflict at times, can't it?! We are truly challenged to do so much in a given day....yet we (I) fight to hold on to personal and professional aspirations despite the many demands of life.

The key is to find happiness in the everyday and not let your to do list overwhelm. I have felt quite overwhelmed due to our basement project and all that has come with it in terms of organizing the house, purging, donating, etc. Tomorrow my cleaning woman comes to help with some of it. I thought it would be beneficial to bring her in since she does not have the emotional attachment I have to things. And, she'll help move us along in her chipper way. She loves to clear and get things in order. I love the end result, but truly despise the process. When things are out of order and feeling really cluttered, the negative energy permeates the house and my mind, and it's easy to feel stifled. A major clearing is in order here, and we'll get there day by day. I have to muster the patience and keep the faith to know it will happen.

Tonite I am attending a workshop in NYC about how to live more simply. I'm curious to see what tips they have to offer. For me, I feel like it's easier said than done, but I'd like to learn and at least make an attempt at it.

I won't be home to read Seth a bedtime story or lay with him. I will miss that. But, if this class can shed constructive light in a way I can apply to my/our lives, Seth will ultimately be glad I attended. And Marc too. We'll all reap the benefits.

Just Plan on Being Stressed Out! by Jamie

I’ve always been a “planner.” Before I picked up and moved to Alaska the summer after I graduated college, I subscribed to the Anchorage Daily News for a month, scouted out places to live and jobs to pursue, and even introduced myself to a few eligible Alaskan men.

All of my subsequent adventure travel trips were well-plotted out, too. Before I took off around the globe, I did tons of research, mapped out my destinations in each country, made lists of things I needed to take care of—and pack—weeks before I departed, and left nothing to chance.

My foray into single motherhood was highly planned as well, and when I successfully became pregnant, I had 40 weeks to ready myself for being a mom. I moved my life and my belongings from NYC to Long Island, read dozens of “what to expect” books, organized my room and my baby’s, lined up a daycare facility, prepared my co-workers for my maternity leave, and did everything a person can possibly do to “be ready” for motherhood.

But can you ever really prepare to be a parent? And what happens when the stability you think you’ve created in your life unexpectedly falls apart? What if your job of a decade is eliminated, and the money you’ve counted on, and the career you’ve focused on for over fifteen years, suddenly go kaput?

Lately, I’ve been discovering that planning out my future isn’t always possible—or even helpful. But instead of turning me into a more carefree person, this conclusion has simply made me a more panicked one. How can a head-of-the-household structure her life—and her expenses—on a project-by-project basis? How can she select her daughter’s nursery school for fall 2010 without knowing her own work schedule? And, most disconcerting of all, how can she potentially embark on a graduate school degree without knowing how much freelance work she’ll be able to take on, and how quickly she’ll deplete her savings account while securing a degree? Planning really isn’t possible for most of the long-term questions I’m pondering now, and it’s probably why I’ve been suffering from countless migraines and dizzy spells (which my neurologist is convinced aren’t “serious,” thankfully).

As a mom, there is, of course, plenty of joy in spontaneity. I’ve been known to let Jayda splash around in mud puddles and ruin her outfit because it just seemed silly to have her miss the chance to enjoy a rainstorm. I’ve taken Jayda to the ice cream store and let her eat frozen yogurt with rainbow sprinkles for dinner just because she did something that deserved a treat and I wanted her to know it. I’ve also suddenly stripped off my clothes and joined Jayda in her evening bath because she was having so much fun splashing around, and I knew she wanted me to play with her, too.

But those unplanned events weren’t very important in the grand scheme of things. Their outcomes didn’t affect our entire lifestyles, and I never gave a second thought to any of them. Alternately, life’s major decisions should be well-planned out—at least for a planner like me. But maybe the best I can do for us right now is plan how I’m going to cope with having no plan. It might not be ideal, but it will make this chaotic, not-so-predictable life of ours a bit more enjoyable!

Week of Firsts for Mother and Son -- by Robin

Seth's first day of first grade was this week.

He was both excited and mildly nervous. But, his nerves quickly turned to anxiousness in a positive way, as he readily hopped on the big school bus with the other kids. And, this time, because they're considered"big" kids, there is no bus attendant to make sure they're settled in their seats and don't leave behind any of their belongings. This is a big change.

It was a new experience for both of us. We had been spoiled. Up until this year, Seth's bus stopped at our doorstep, and we didn't know how good we had it. We would both roll out of bed and hustle to get ready, and no matter the weather, we waited inside the house most of the time until the bus pulled up, and I sent Seth outside.

Now, we have to wait at a bus stop with other parents and kids, and I'm not used to it. Before, to be honest, I'd often throw my winter coat over my nightgown or put on a nice house dress and kiss Seth good-bye. It's no longer like that. I need to put myself together, relatively speaking, since I'm out there in the company of others.

I'm discovering a whole new world of morning people. I used to be one of them. Ok....reluctantly.....but when I worked fulltime in NYC prior to motherhood, I got up early, commuted and even wore pantyhose (something I detest now). It was a daily routine, and I was used to it. I was also younger and had less responsibility.

These days, part of my challenge is that I often don't sleep soundly. Perhaps it's perimenopause? Or maybe the fact that my life feels so full (or overwhelming at times), that my mind is not at peace? Most like a combination.

All I know is that I typically wake up not feeling well-rested, and since I'm not a napper, I get through some days yearning for a good snooze (crossing my fingers that tonite will be a more restful night).

And, Seth is the energizer bunny. It will be interesting to see how he comes home as school becomes more demanding and then has to sit down and do homework. I'm told that in first grade a lot more is expected of them (and therefore the parents too).

Maybe I can learn to use the morning hours to my advantage? I heard that Michelle Obama rises at 5:30AM for her morning workout. But, then she also goes to bed early, and I fight doing that. I've always been a night person by nature. And, Seth too likes to stay up with me and watch a movie in bed. It's sweet.

School changes all that. He needs to get a good night sleep, even if I don't always.

I'll adjust. I have to. And, maybe I'll grow to appreciate the morning? There is a certain calmness about it that offers the promise of productivity and even renewed creativity. Your mind is clear before the day quickly takes over.

I've been looking at our local adult ed catalog to see if there is a morning class I might register for. It would be a new experience for me to be amongst people that early. To think there was a time in my life when I dealt with rush hour and was surrounded by office mates, feels like another lifetime ago. But, I am a people person, so I do miss the company you lack working from home.

I wonder how much conversation you can make while doing stomach crunches on an exercise ball? I am thinking that it might be fun to take a class that gets the blood pumping. I've never been a coffee drinker, so this could serve as my dose of caffeine, so to speak. It's just one idea.

Regardless, I am thrilled that so far Seth is liking his new school, teachers and classmates. At age six, he is really quite resilient. He transitions well. I commend him for that and look forward to seeing how the year unfolds for all of us. It will be a learning experience for everyone.

Picky. Protective. And Still Single. by Jamie Levine

Before I had Jayda, I was a serial dater. I went out with men from JDate, had “training dates” with other members of my gym, was set up with friends of friends of friends, and even had drinks with a couple of gutsy guys who chatted me up on the subway. I once went speed dating with a friend for kicks, and actually posted an ad on Craigslist at one point (and met a short-term boyfriend that way). I certainly know how to date…or at least I used to. Friends often asked me why I was still single, and, if maybe, I was “being too picky?” I always responded “No…not at all. I just don’t want to settle.” And I really wasn’t being too selective—I gave plenty of guys a fair chance. However, most of them never made it to full-fledged boyfriend status…either due to their commitment-issues or our lack of chemistry, or a host of other reasons. But I wasn’t single because I was too picky. Hardly.

NOW, I’m picky.

Though I ultimately “chose” to have Jayda on my own, I’ve always pictured myself with a husband. But, unlike the pre-Jayda dating-fanatic I once was, I no longer feel I need a man in my life…I simply want one. The right one. And he has to be right for me and Jayda. Yikes. Just how does someone find a man who is high-caliber husband and father material—for two strong-minded, used-to-being-on-their-own gals? Especially when the woman looking has much less time to test-drive a bunch of suitors than she ever had before! It’s definitely a challenge.

Of course I’ve dated a bit in the past 27 months that Jayda has been alive…but mostly just for fun—for a much-needed break from being a mommy all the time. And while I always tell people that “I’d love to meet someone special…” I rarely put my energy into looking for him. Who has the time? Or even, on some days, the desire? Having an extra hour or two to read a book, or go to bed early, is often vastly more appealing to me than going on a blind date.

In the past, I could drop everything on a whim and meet someone for a drink. If the guy was engaging enough, a Thursday afternoon introductory phone call could lead to a Thursday night rendezvous at my local bar. Why not? These days, in order to have a night out, I need to find a babysitter (and potentially invest quite a bit of money), as well as sacrifice precious time with my daughter (or, the aforementioned extra sleep!). Sure, the right guy is definitely worth it…but who wants to invest time and money on the “wrong” guy? Thus, I’m less apt to take a risk these days—especially since I’m protecting more than just my own heart now.

With her affectionate nature and outgoing personality, Jayda is so easy to love…but it’s just as easy to break her heart. When a good friend leaves us to go home after spending a day with me and Jayda, my daughter often asks for that person over and over again, every day for weeks! What would she do if I dated a man—whom Jayda got to know and love—and then we broke up? Yes, I know she’d recover, but still, the thought of my daughter suffering for my dating mistakes pains me. And so I hesitate. I question whether I’m really ready for a serious relationship. I certainly don’t bring my dates home to meet Jayda. And I continually wonder if the timing will ever be right for meeting “our” Mr. Right.

Choosing to be a single mom definitely alleviated the pressure I used to put on myself to search for a husband. And, overall, it’s made me a much happier, more confident person. But sometimes I wonder if the pressures single motherhood has added to my dating life will ultimately make my search impossible. I suppose only time will tell…

Guest Post -- By Elizabeth Gregory

Ready When You Are

Reading Terry Starr’s blog post rang bells for me, because it sounded like so many of the women I interviewed for my book Ready: Why Women Are Embracing the New Later Motherhood (Basic Books, 2008).

The four reasons mentioned most often for women’s delay were education, establishing at work, finding the right partner, and self-development. Many, like Terry, mentioned several, or all four.

The benefits later moms pointed to over and over included:
•making more money (one study finds there’s a 3% overall wage gain per year of delay);
•having the clout to negotiate a more family-friendly schedule than they would have earlier (their employers both trusted them and needed to retain their experience);
•feeling more ready to focus on family than they felt earlier;
•feeling self-confident, based on their work experience (and that spread to their parenting);
•their husbands were peers and partners in parenting.

In addition, though they couldn’t know this based on their own experience, it turns out that the older you are when you start your family, the longer you’re likely to live (because higher income and education link to better health care access) – so that’s pretty handy, since you’re going to need to be around for a while.

From the big picture perspective, women’s investment in education and work before kids has been a key factor in raising our status in society generally. That is, there’s a direct connection between the fact that so many women have delayed kids (the average age at first birth for college grads is 30 and the average age for all US women is 25, up from 21 in 1970) and, for instance, the fact that we now hold 50.6% of professional and management positions. This means our concerns and insights get a hearing in the worlds of business and government in ways they did not in the past.

So the new later motherhood has big social benefits as well as the personal kind.

Of course there are drawbacks to waiting too. As Terry mentioned, infertility becomes more of an issue with time, and delay. Other drawbacks some later moms pointed to were caring for elders and toddlers at once; having fewer kids than they would have liked; and feeling a bit tired! But the overall sentiment was that the benefits much outweighed the drawbacks. In 2007, 612,000 babies were born to later moms (that’s one in every seven babies), and the birthrate for women 35-45 is at a 40-year high (the difference is that so many moms are starting their families later now whereas back in the sixties they tended to be continuing families begun earlier).

Every woman’s story is her own, and only she knows what makes sense for her at what point. My effort in Ready was to convey a sense of how the trend to starting families later has affected individual women’s lives, those of their partners and kids, and society in general. If you get a chance to read it, let me know what you think, here or on my blog at www.readymoms.com. Look for my postings also on huffingtonpost.com. Happy Mother’s Day everybody!

Trip Guilt

I am so conflicted.

I'm off tomorrow for a six day jaunt to Canyon Ranch in Tucson where I'm leading two workshops based on my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH.

I'm going by myself, which is a unique traveling experience for me. And, I feel like I'm racing the clock like a crazy person. Doing even more multi-tasking than I already do.

Aside from packing and preparing for my talks, I'm jumping ahead to projects that will arise when I return, trying to anticipate tasks so I can potentially kickstart them now. And, I'm planning dinners for Seth while I'm gone, his snacks for school, etc.

No wonder I couldn't sleep last night, with all that is going through my head. I jumped up at 3AM to send myself an email on my Blackberry, so I'd get it at my computer this morning and not forget to do something.

Part of me finds the notion of the trip freeing. When was the last time I had an opportunity to really focus on myself, aside from lecturing to singles? As relaxed as I hope I'll be once there, I'm doing a number on myself right now to pack all the right things. I want to seize the vacation moment and read books I've been longing to get to...do some writing....chill....sleep later...and let my creative juices flow.

Yet, I don't want to have too many expectations for this trip. That's a lot of pressure. I need to live in the moment and let things unfold. That's when excitement can really kick in. But, I'm such a planner that I make myself nuts. It's not like this is the only vacation I'll ever have again, though I don't make a habit of going away without Marc and Seth. And, I'm only doing it now because of the speaking opportunity. I am very flattered to have been invited by Canyon Ranch to share my expertise as a dating book author. It is always gratifying to feel like I can help others.

So, back I go to my list making...leaving notes for my husband and nanny re: handling various matters during my time away.

I know things will be in good hands. Yet, it still feels odd to be flying the coop, so to speak. I'll miss everyone, though a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, as they say.

I bet, though, once I'm settled in my seat on the plane, I'll be grateful for some solitude and a break from everyday motherhood. How often as moms do we allow that for ourselves? It's so tough to give yourself permission, even if it's a short break.

We certainly do deserve it, so I'm going to try my best to leave my guilt at the door.

Have you gone away by yourself whether for business or pleasure, since becoming a mom? How was it for you?

Thelma and Louise and Me

Ever see the movie Thelma and Louise?

Well....while I'm not a criminal/fugitive like these two gals....I felt like a stifled suburban mom yearning to bust lose when two friends recently invited me to join them on a jaunt upstate NY.

Both are empty nesters looking to enter the next phase of their lives and reinvent themselves, including moving from Long Island, NY to some place two or so hours away. An easy drive is the goal, as well as a great view, and cool town offering culture, shopping, restaurants, etc.

I had mentioned in discussions with them that perhaps Marc and I might consider buying a weekend condo upstate, if our budget permitted. Nothing definite. (Part of me would love to have an apt. in Manhattan, but it's gotten prohibitive.) I was curious about what the money could buy in a smaller town, and how it would feel to have another place. The last thing we'd want is to have to take care of another home...but a condo in a development might be feasible.

So...when one of my friends emailed me about joining them in their home quest, I first thought...hmmmm.....should I go? Will this be fun? It's a Sunday...would Marc mind being with Seth? We had an appointment with a decorator scheduled (we plan to redo our basement). Could that be changed? (She's super busy, so I wasn't sure.) I was scheduled to do a podcast interview on the phone re: Motherhood Later. Could I do that from my cell upstate? Would I get reception? And....on top of it, these friends mentioned that they might decide to stay overnight, depending on how things went. How would that sit with me, they asked?

After debating it a bit and discussing with Marc, my decision was made. He was totally agreeable to spending solo time with Seth, and the decorator was able to give us another weekend date in April. And, I decided to take a chance on the reception from my cell phone, and advised the interviewer that I would be on the road.

I jumped at the chance...and tried not to feel the need to justify it in my mind!

The reality was.....I SO needed this. And, a few of my close friends echoed that sentiment. Had they been sensing in me a restlessness? Perhaps......I certainly know it's been there.
I find it's so easy to feel stuck in a rut. I have confessed in the past that being a suburban work at home mom isn't the easiest thing for me. I miss the company of others. Though I do have an occasional lunch with a friend and schedule playdates for Seth, it's not the same as working in an office.

Beyond that...what I experienced on this trip was a welcome sense of abandon. On that Monday, we walked down the cool, artsy, retro streets of Woodstock, and I have to confess, I didn't want to go home. It felt so good to be free, and we only stayed over one night. But, that was enough to whet my appetite and be reminded of myself. To be Robin...and not just mommy, daughter, wife, etc.

I was speaking with a friend after the weekend and telling her what great fun I had....and I found myself discussing how I felt a little "guilty not to feel guilty." Does that make sense?

Seth and Marc both said they missed me when I returned. And, yes, I missed them, but not while I was shopping in Woodstock. Should I have? I don't want to overthink the situation. It certainly doesn't mean I don't love them.

Suffice it to say that it's so important to take time for yourself. And, even a quick jaunt with friends can be enough to rejuvenate you.

Go for it, if given the opportunity! It's so important to remember who you were before motherhood...and us moms have the right to enjoy time away. Give yourself permission.
My next trip is with Seth and Marc for spring break shortly. Surely that will be an entirely different experience. We are meeting friends there, so perhaps I can snag a little pocket of time to hang with my girlfriend a bit. We'll see.............

Either way, I look forward to going. But, would also return in a heartbeat to Woodstock or wherever with girlfriends for a quick getaway!!

Retreating from Motherhood

I was speaking with a friend today about the weekend we are about to go on together and our hopes for what it might be. We have signed up for the moms retreat upstate NY, with both Motherhood Later and other moms not from the group.

It's at a place called Peace Village, where the emphasis is on meditation, balance, and living a fulfilled life. This particular weekend, which I helped to plan, is for moms to rejuvenate, learn how spiritual pursuits can enhance their lives, get parenting advice, share....and take a break from home responsibility....without the children (unless you opted for childcare).

We are looking forward, and at the same time, it feels a bit odd....in a way....like I'm fleeing or "retreating" from Seth. I know I shouldn't look at it that way. It's just two nights. But, it's weird when you feel guiltily psyched to take a break from motherhood. Although, a big part of the weekend will focus on discussing it, so I'm hardly vanishing the thought from my mind...but I won't have to change pull-ups, etc.

I am really curious to see what other moms have to say in this communal setting. To let it all hang out, so to speak, in a safe, nurturing environment. It will be freeing to empower each other to lose the guilt, and feel a sense of entitlement to self care, whether physical or mental.

Peace Village is a casual, rustic, no frills place, so I don't have to dress to impress which is good. The friend I was chatting with compared it to Club Getaway, where I used to go when I was single. Boy, does that feel like a lifetime ago.

I know there is another person underneath the mom personna I now own, and I hope to recapture her a bit this weekend and bring her home to stay as best I can. Keep your fingers crossed for me (and all us moms), and I'll let you know if she emerged..........

Admission from the Potty Challenged

We took Seth to the pediatrician this week. He has a nasty cough. And, while we were very concerned about it, the pediatrician seemed more intrigued about the fact that at age four he is in pullups.

I admit it. We are a potty training challenged family.

We have tried. Last summer we had it partially nailed...so I thought....the #1 bodily function, as they say. My son was pretty consistently alerting us when he had to pee. #2 has never worked. Once we got lucky, and he pooped in the potty, and we celebrated....thinking he was now on the path to bathroom success. Well, that lasted a day, and he was back to having constant accidents. Even his new cool Spiderman briefs couldn't motivate him to speak up.

Once he started nursery school, it seemed that he digressed completely, since it
changed his daily routine. And, he now rarely, if ever, says he needs to go potty....whether for #1 or 2. On top of it, he denies when he does it in his pullup and doesn't even mind walking around in it.....until we have to use 1/2 a tube of Balmex to treat his irritated skin.

What's a mom to do?

So....we are now consulting a parenting pro to see what light she can shed.

Bribery hasn't even worked......not even a supersize rescue helicopter that he couldn't wait to get his hands on.

I have joked that he won't walk down the aisle in pullups when he gets married one day. But, since we have a long way to go until the wedding, we have to somehow get with the potty training program sooner than later.

Sneaking in Some Work

It is Sunday, I should be doing things around the house (laundry, dishes, going through piles of old magazines) because baby is napping. But instead, I am compelled to get work done even though I am trying to only work on weekday mornings when the babysitter is here. There is either not enough time during the week or I can't get motivated during the week to focus entirely on work.

I end up blogging (hmmm, what am I doing right now?) or Twittering or doing some virtual window shopping. I'm trying to keep my workload manageable but am still trying to squeeze in a new client and a new column. Who do I think I am? The Pre-Baby Me?

Pre-baby, I was incredibly motivated, focused and productive. All of those words seem foreign to me now. I can remember that they used to apply to me but can't remember what they felt like. I keep making To Do lists then losing them, or I'm staring at them crosseyed hoping things will magically get checked off the list.

I've started feeling guilty about wanting to work all the time. I like working. I like getting things done. I'm still adjusting to the fact that taking care of baby means a different kind of productivity. I'm enjoying the milestones met and more bonding with baby, but I keep looking for "assignments" with a beginning, middle and end to check off a motherhood list. Probably not a healthy way to look at parenting.

So as I do mental and emotional gymnastics to learn what it means to be a mom instead of a workaholic overachiever, I find myself sneaking a moment to do things on my computer on the weekend as if I were sneaking chocolates. A momentary high of accomplishment. And the leftover feeling of guilt. Because there is still stuff to do around the house and baby will wake up any minute now.