GUEST BLOG POST -- by Sally Shields, "The In-Law Expert"

I got married in December 1999 when I was 32, and the first thing my new MIL (mother-in-law) said to me was, "The only thing I want is grandchildren! I'm the ONLY person in Ohio without grandchildren!" Well, if THAT didn't put the pressure on, I don't know what did! But, of course, I have a stubborn nature, and the declaration just made me want to wait even longer before procreating. I told both my MIL (as well as my very own mother who was being a little less obvious) in no uncertain terms, "Don't bother me until I'm 38!" After-all, I was in the midst of a great career as a jazz pianist, traveling the world, and having a wonderful time with my bass player husband!

But, soon after, 9/11 came along... it was a three-prong blow... my manager was going through a divorce and got fired by the representing agency. At the same time, the jazz division of the record label I was recording for folded, and the last recording of the 3-CD deal? Defunct. The world in NYC was in shambles, and moving forward as a self-promoting artist seemed both trivial and trite. All signs were pointing towards a change. It was 2001, and I was 34. I thought to myself, "What is the most meaningful thing I can do at this point?" I decided that getting pregnant was a good move, and as a side benefit, I could win points with my MIL! And yes, it was the greatest decision I could have made.

But shortly after my daughter's birth in 2002, the problems started to occur. Big problems, big misunderstandings. Big hurtful fights that ended in tears, with my MIL storming out of the house, thinking that I didn't care about her, or the baby clothes she bought, or anything she had to say. You see, even though I just had a C-section, was suffering from post-partum depression and sleep depravation, I had unwittingly failed to open the bag of infant onsies and cute baby gear that was still sitting unopened in the corner of the room, and my MIL took it as a big DIS. My dear MIL assumed that I knew these things that were so obvious to her... dressing the newborn immediately with her gifts, being concerned about cats smothering a new baby (we had 2), when to put oatmeal in the bottle ( I breast-fed), the importance of a sleeping schedule in a crib (I slept with my baby on demand), and a world of other things she was putting her two cents in about, that left us both in tears, and feeling like enemies on a battlefield!

I was left scratching my head, thinking, where is the manual for this?!!! So I started to jot down all the troublesome incidents that would pop into my head in regards to my MIL, and came up with a rule and a solution to deal with each and every one. When I put a few of these rules into practice (and saw that they actually worked), I thought maybe I could help save others years of needless contention!

By the time I had my son at age 39, I developed a few tricks up my sleeve. I'd like to share some questions I've received from readers of my book, The Daughter-in-Law Rules, and the answers may prove helpful:

Q: My baby is only a week old but my MIL already wants her to have a sibling to play with! Is she nuts?

A: If your twinkle toes has yet to shed her umbilical cord, your mother-in-law may nonetheless put in an application for a new addition by way of a statement such as, “I can’t wait until she has a little brother or sister to play with!” Say how eager you are to have another. Smile coyly and mention that you’re already working on it. She will be hard-pressed not to picture you and her son having relations (don’t think of a pink elephant, okay?) and she will most likely not ask you again... at least for the next couple of months, that is!

Q: My MIL complains that she doesn’t get as much time with my kids as my own mother. Well, that might be true, but what can I do? She lives 7 hours away!

A: As soon as your kid is able to carry on a “conversation,” dial up your MIL and let the two yak away. Do this every few days. When it’s time to hang up, if you are busy, quickly say how much the little one misses her and that you can’t wait to see her as well. She’ll be very happy to stay connected with your little ones, even if it’s through the phone.

Q: I spend hours taking home videos and even learned to send digital pictures to my MIL over the Internet. But she complained that she’s the only person in Ohio that doesn’t get professional shots to hand out to her friends at Bingo. I just can’t win!

A: Spring for professional shots of your child. Make lots of copies (especially ones with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, or a Hanukkah Dreidel, and send your MIL several wallet sizes to use like trading cards with her Bingo buds. Mom truly enjoys seeing your bloom in bunny ears with a blue background, holding a giant carrot. And so will you! You may even get bamboozled into buying every image in the book, complete with Sepia hues, flower borders and glam shots with soft-focus feature. So be extra-prepared to whip out your credit card and make sure your package includes the CD-ROM so that you can replicate all of the above on your printer at home as well!


Q: I have fun doing art projects with my kids, and thought my MIL would appreciate the fact that I saved them for her. But she just threw them away. What’s up with THAT?!

A: Pick out some recent drawings or finger paintings, and dispatch them to your MIL. However, do not present her with anything that includes traces of your creative input or she may refuse it immediately. For example, if your child’s compositions end up resembling things such as puppies or frogs, you may feel compelled to color them in, embellish, and label them as such. Instead, provide Mom with the scribbles alone. These are the ones that will invariably end up framed at her house. “Ahhh, now that’s TALENT!” she’ll proclaim proudly.

Q: When I’m visiting my MIL, all she wants to do is feed my child JUNK. I can’t stand it. But if I say anything, we end up in a big fight, or giving each other the silent treatment. HELP!

A: If you notice your MIL bestowing Wonder Bread with butter on your little bottomless pit a few times a day, just remember that your husband eventually grew up and seems to be in relatively good health. Although you may feel frustrated and be compelled to suggest, “I would prefer if you didn’t feed her that stuff at every meal, okay?” better to let your MIL indulge your child’s requests for the nutritionally devoid foodstuffs. Otherwise, your kid will soon come crying, “Grammy said that you said that I can't have white bread with butter ANYMORE!” forcing you to relent sheepishly, “Well, she can have it at least once a day, I guess the stuff won’t kill her!” Don't make a federal issue out of it, as your pipsqueak will eventually be back to eating apples and whole wheat bagels upon Mom’s departure!

In Conclusion:

The bottom line is to really and truly learn to appreciate your MIL. After all, she did give birth to your husband, and you are forever thankful to her for that! We can all grow much closer to our MIL's through our children!

I leave you with this wish: that you may develop a respectful and loving relationship with your MIL and learn to appreciate her for who she is, where she came from and what she is to become. Take heed to one of the great spiritual laws of success: The quickest way to get what you want is to help others get what they want. Be a loving, kind, generous, open-hearted, sensitive person, and the world will reflect that back to you—even in the form of your mother-in-law—and she may just surprise you and turn out to be an ally and a friend. Mine certainly did!

Please visit Sally “The In-Law Expert” Shields, a later mom, speaker and author of The Daughter-in-Law Rules on the web at www.TheDILRules.com for contest giveaways, free bonus gifts,The DIL Rules newsletter, free music … and more!

The Day Camp Dilemma -- by Cara Meyers

One would think, especially a Mom, that day camp for their grade school age child would be easy street on roller blades. First off, your child is out of the home for at least an amount of time equivalent to a full day of school, if not more. Secondly, the day camp experience certainly will wear your child out, what with swimming, sports-type games and general play activities. Then how come some Moms come to dread the end of the day from camp?

Could it be that the damp backpack must first be unloaded, even though you provided your child with ample gallon-size plastic bags and plastic grocery bags to but their wet things in? The bags are usually at the bottom of said wet backpack with ignored sunscreen.

Then there is the precious camp t-shirt. That ONE t-shirt. That must be clean. And dry. Each day of camp. Which means, of course, one of two things: If the t-shirt does not have any visible stains, you can always get away with trying to just hang it up, hoping it dries sufficiently by morning. Or, as is in my case, because I have a boy, and boys are, um, dirty, you must wash the t-shirt each evening. And why wash just one t-shirt when you can throw in the bathing suits, towel, and other miscellaneous laundry lying around that happen to be the same color. So now we are doing laundry at least 5 nights a week.

Next there is the preparation of getting the following day’s camp wear assembled for the next day. Does the following day start with swimming, which would require having your child wear his swim wear to camp while packing dry shorts and the camp t-shirt to change into later on? Or will there be sports activities, necessitating the wearing of shorts and camp t-shirt, while the packing of swim wear for the afternoon instead. And don’t ever forget to pack the water shoes! A mother always knows to have at least two pair, so that while one dries out, the other can be packed for the following day. The same usually goes with sneakers. If one pair gets wet, you have the spare set.

So, obviously, paying attention to the daily camp schedule is of utmost importance. As are the daily activities themselves. Is it “Tie-dye Day?” Then a clean, previously washed white t-shirt will need to be packed. Is it pizza day? Then your child will need to bring in $7. And what if all you have in your wallet are $10s and $20s? Will you be able to get change back? Will you have to send in a $5 you found in your husband’s back pocket and some quarters?

And if it is not pizza day, there is the dreaded packing of a cold lunch that must withstand the heat of a summer day. One counselor suggested freezing a bottle of water to keep the contents of the lunch tote cold. Well, that idea turned my son’s lunch into a complete soggy mess, even with every item sealed in plastic bags. The water also didn’t defrost fast enough, so my son got a couple sips from the bottle and left it in the tote to melt the rest of the day. I had to pour out the contents of the tote over the sink. It was flooded.

So why is it that we Moms look forward to summer and the day camp experience for our children? The only reasonable reason I seem to have been able to come up with?
No homework.


Next Week: My husband has decided to take the Day Camp Dilemma challenge and see whether he can do a better job at preparing my son for Day Camp each day. The results will be the topic of next week’s blog.

INTRODUCING JAMIE LEVINE, NEW MOM BLOGGER FOR MOTHERHOODLATER.COM

A Single Mother by Choice (Sort of…) -- by Jamie Levine

I’m a single mother by choice. Though “by choice” isn’t quite an accurate description of my lifestyle. Yes, I chose to have a child on my own. But I didn’t exactly choose to raise a child without a husband by my side. Circumstances steered me that way.

My parents have been married for over 50 years. My dad is a great father, husband, and simply, a mensch: A caring, generous, affectionate, thoughtful guy—the kind of man I’d like to marry. And the type of guy I always pictured fathering my child(ren). However, after years and years (and years!) of serial dating, all I ever seemed to meet was Mr. Wrong: Commitmentphobes whom I tried (unsuccessfully!) to reform, commitment-minded men who bored me to tears, and even men who were good fathers already. (As in…they were finished having children.) I never found my own Mr. Right. So, as I grew older, I decided to take action…and, at the age of 36, I “chose” to begin my path to single-mom-hood. I decided to do things backwards: Become a mom first and a wife second. Since I do still hope to be married someday.

“Choosing” to be a single mother does have its perks. I don’t ever have to fight with anyone about child-rearing issues. Heck, even my daughter’s name was all my idea—and I didn’t need to run it by anyone else. I also don’t have to worry about taking care of anyone but Jayda and myself. There’s no one else to make dinner for, do laundry for, or clean up after. (And no one else to apologize to about my messes…or my lousy dinners!) Finally, when I do meet a man whom I want to date, he doesn’t have to worry about my “unresolved issues” with my ex—or any contact we might have as a result of sharing time with my daughter. There is no ex.

But of course, there’s also no doting dad for my little girl to look up to. And while a part of me is saddened when I think of Jayda growing up without a father like I had, I know she’s more loved than a lot of kids. She’s also fortunate to have other wonderful men in her life who adore her—uncles, friends, neighbors, and most importantly, my father. And for now, that’s enough.

Jamie Levine is an accomplished children’s book/gift buyer and online marketer, as well as a certified life coach. Currently, she is a freelance writer and consultant, as a means to spend more time with her greatest gift—her 26-month-old daughter, Jayda. Jamie hopes to find a way to permanently work without much commuting before she turns 40 in February! She and Jayda live on Long Island, NY.