Time -- by Gina

This week my father-in-law was in the emergency room for severe stomach pain. He is better, thankfully, but it has been a crazy week for me since my husband has been working long shifts, and I was the only one available to deal with “Grampa”: visiting, picking up stuff from his apartment, picking him up upon being discharged, then driving him around town for his various errands. It was an unseasonably warm and sunny weekend and not what I really wanted to be doing, but of course I had no choice.

Then there were all of the other “things to do” for the week: creating and mailing out my daughter’s birthday party invitations, shuttling her around to school and activities, celebrating my husband’s birthday, two work events, late meetings, working full-time, and all of the other usual stuff (laundry, dishes, etc.) Not to mention two separate emergency deliveries to my niece (backpack forgotten in my car) and nephew (change of clothing after a classmate spilled chocolate milk all over him.)

Yet, when a good friend who is going through some tough times asked me why I hadn’t called her in a while, I couldn’t come up with a good excuse. “I’ve been so busy” sounds like such a cop-out…I mean, everyone is busy, right? But when I actually sat down and thought about why I hadn’t called, I realized it wasn’t just that I didn’t have time, I never seemed to have the RIGHT time. By that I mean, I never seem to have “phone time”, that precious luxury that I am only now realizing existed only in my pre-mommy world. I have always had very busy jobs, so I always (and still do) had to rush my friends off the phone with a “Can I call ya later, work is crazy? Thanks!” I’d wait until after dinner when I could sprawl out on my couch and really catch up…laughing and having lots of good girl talk. Now, as the mother of a 3 ½ year old, those opportunities never seem to come anymore. I still entertain the thought that I will be able to find time for a good chat after Gianna’s asleep, but since she has trouble falling asleep and staying in her own bed, that phone time never seems to come for me. I spend the night going up and down the stairs to her room, as she calls me to come stay with her because she is afraid, or because she “has too much energy.” Then when I think she is finally asleep, I am exhausted from working all day and parenting all evening. Also, once the house is quiet, I feel obligated to speak low so as not to wake my daughter. This is also the time I do a load of laundry, straighten up the house and get ready for the next day.

The only phone calls I seem to get a chance to make on weeknights is to return calls, mostly to my family and my in-laws, arranging visits, exchanging babysitting duties, and checking in on how everyone is feeling.

I made amends with my friend – I devoted a very long phone call to her which thank goodness Gianna cooperated with by going to bed on time. I assured her that although I don’t have the kind of time I used to have, I am still here for her no matter what and will find a way to make time to talk more often (haven’t figured that part out yet…) She doesn’t have children yet but I think she understands - I hope so. When we moms say we don’t have time for something, it isn’t an excuse… it is our reality – that our time is just not our own anymore no matter how many more hours we could use in the day. We can carve out time here and there once our kids are old enough for babysitters but in the meantime, it is a big adjustment and a real balancing act to find time to do the things WE want to do. I have heard it gets easier as our kids get older, but for now, I can only hope that friends understand, just as I am understanding when plans get canceled or my calls go unanswered. I think that is part of being a good friend – being flexible and forgiving – none of us are perfect and we are all doing our best to get as much as we can done in one day. These are the times I wish I could work only part-time, but for now I have to find a way to make it all work.

I have another good friend who had her three children in her early twenties. When I don’t have time for the long gab fests, she understands and lets me slide. I was able to see her for a brief visit recently and it was like no time had passed. Those are the moments you realize that true friendship endures through all the highs and lows of raising children, trying to have a career, and not having enough time for either. We sat in her mom’s kitchen, talking and laughing like we did when we were 17. In those moments, time – be it how much has passed, or how much more of it we wish we had – just doesn’t matter so much…well, at least for a moment, anyway.

GUEST BLOG POST: Communication with Sons - by Renee Martinez, founder, www.raisingboysworld.com

Walking into motherhood after leading an independent life is an enormous change in itself. Having a boy adds an entirely new dimension of newness to the mix.

As women, caring for a girl is familiar. We share the same bodies and for the most part, we know the twists and turns that life will present her. We may have lived through the mother/daughter dynamic and know what to expect at various stages. We lived through it.

Mothers of sons are a special batch. We have an opportunity to shape the men of our future. We’ll never know what it’s like to go through puberty as a boy or to be one of the guys. We’ll likely not understand the unique pressures boys in our society face firsthand, but being different doesn’t mean being distant.

Oftentimes, I’ve heard moms say that they can’t relate to boys, that playing with trucks doesn’t appeal to them and that they find it difficult to connect. How well sons communicate when they are young often impacts their success to handle interpersonal relationships as they grow into men. With that said, the most wonderful gift you can give your son is to keep the lines of communication open so he feels comfortable sharing with you. Working to build a relationship of trust will have tremendous benefits at various stages throughout his life.

The key to any successful relationship is communication. On the drive to school, take the opportunity to ask him questions about what’s going on, what he’s concerned about etc… Tell him about your plans for the day. When he starts chatting about the baseball game in detail that you could care less about, don’t push him away; listen and ask questions. He’ll come back and talk with you when it’s something important because he’ll be comfortable and know you care about what he has to say. When approached, stop what you’re doing and look at your son, listen as you would to a friend or colleague. Give him the respect that you expect him to give you. Listen, listen, listen and try to avoid being confrontational. Don’t finger point or criticize by pointing out problems, instead try to work together to come to a realization of the problem and an appropriate solution…as if you’re playing on the same team.

Getting your son to open up as he grows older can be a huge challenge if you never took the opportunity to make him feel like you could relate when he was young. Why would he suddenly want to open up with you if he felt ignored when he tried to before? Keep in mind that while forging a friendship is nice, he is your son, and your role as a parent is to guide him, not to be his buddy.

So the next time you hear someone say they feel like boys are from another planet, tell them it would be wise to take the time and connect with him and live in the same world with him before he finds living in another universe preferable.

Renee is the founder of http://www.raisingboysworld.com.