GUEST BLOG POST: Your Child's Mind; Getting to Know It, Getting to Know All About it -- by Dr. Mel Levine

Raising a young child is a bit like owning an appliance that didn’t come with an owner’s manual. That makes it hard to know what it can do and how to work it! In a sense, every child has a somewhat different owner’s (i.e., parenting) manual. That’s because each young brain comes wired differently. Over time, a growing mind keeps on transmitting signals to let you know all about its unique wiring. But is anybody picking up those signals?

Every child and adult brain houses what we call a neurodevelopmental profile, a kind of balance sheet of current strengths and weaknesses in functions needed for learning, behavior, social interaction, and output or productivity. Profiles can change over time (a phenomenon called neuroplasticity) especially during childhood and the teenage years. Eight major areas of function comprise this vital and too easily misunderstood profile:

Attention – A mind’s ability to stay focused long enough, to filter out distractions, to think about likely results before doing or saying something (previewing), to sleep well at night and remain alert enough through the school day, and to engage in planning and good judgment.

Sequencing – The capacity to absorb, retain and produce material arranged in a particular order (such as multiple-step directions, steps in a math problem, spelling words) as well as the management of time (being on time, meeting deadlines, and undertaking tasks in stages or steps).

Spatial Thinking – An awareness of relationships and characteristics of things in the outside world, including 3-dimensionality, relative size, position, shape, symmetry, and movement, all needed for thinking with images, for math, science, art, building and repair, plus many sports.

Language – Effective verbal communication, both the understanding of words, sentences and passages and verbal output (orally and in writing) - in addition to the ability to use language for thinking, remembering and communicating well with other people.

Memory – Adequate storage and recall of information and skills either in the short run (short-term memory) or more permanently (long-term memory) as well as the capacity to keep several things in mind at once while using them (active working memory).

Neuromotor Function – Operation and coordination of groups of muscles necessary for playing sports (gross motor), doing art work or repairing things (mainly fine motor), and writing (graphomotor).

Social Thinking – Behaviors, language, and insights needed to form and maintain good relationships with others (especially peers), taking in friendship and reputation management.

Higher Thinking – Sophisticated thought processes enabling a child to form concepts, solve problems systematically, use good reasoning; also includes creativity, brainstorming ability, and evaluative (critical) thinking.

Every task a child undertakes and every skill he strives to master require the coming together of a cluster of brain functions drawn from these eight areas. These functions are put to the test throughout the school day. Meanwhile, one hugely important question never ceases to emerge: How well does this child’s neurodevelopmental profile match up with current demands or expectations? For some kids the match seems to be a perfect match. In other cases a child is victimized by a mis-matching of his current profile to school’s demands. Fortunately, a profile that fails to work well at one age or in one educational setting may be ideally suited for another classroom or, eventually, for a particular career! Some people are far better wired for adulthood than they were for childhood! Consequently, there are times when we should not do anything to try to modify the wiring of a kid, feeling confident he or she has what it takes to succeed in the future or under different conditions. There are countless struggling kids who will make awesome adults. The challenge is to get them there – unwounded and unscarred, shielded from excessive criticism and public embarrassment.

Parents should strive to uncover the neurodevelopmental profiles of their children. If and when a child starts to have a hard time in one or more aspects of school, a parent is in an excellent position to pinpoint what may be lacking. “Is Michael having trouble in school because he seems to show a short term memory weakness?” “Could Beth be struggling in History because she does not process language fast enough?” “Is Eva not grasping math as a result of her weak attention for details?” “Could it be Alan’s graphomotor dysfunction that makes him despise writing?” A parent should never assume that the school will detect such breakdowns or dysfunctions impeding performance. No one cares as much and has as much exposure to a child as does a mother and/or a father. But parents need to have the background knowledge to make sound observations of function and act upon these appropriately.

Parents should become aware of their child’s strengths and weaknesses, even if that kid is an adequate performer in school. As the curriculum advances, a child may begin having trouble in secondary school or even college. Knowing her relative weak spots can help prepare for this possibility and deal with the setback if and when it takes place.

It is especially important to “diagnose” the outstanding strengths of a child’s mind. For one thing, those assets have powerful implications when it comes to selecting a college and, more importantly, a career. If a kid shows superb spatial thinking, she or he might orient future planning toward fields like engineering, art, technology, or architectural design. A child with terrific verbal abilities but weak fine motor function may want to consider becoming a psychiatrist, an internist or a pediatrician rather than a thoracic surgeon!

The following are some parenting tips regarding the understanding and care of a child’s neurodevelopmental profile:

1. Parents should become familiar with the eight areas of neurodevelopmental function and some of the roles they play in learning and behavior. They should consider the ways in which life at home can influence the development of these critical areas either positively or to their detriment.

2. Mothers and fathers should have at least a general sense of their child’s evolving profile. Our website bringingupminds.com includes an online inventory that parents complete in order to derive a description of the apparent mind strengths and weaknesses of their sons and daughters. The profile is used further to develop a Success Plan for each child. If a student is having significant problems in school, further clinical assessment may be warranted.

3. Sometimes weaknesses should be accepted with no attempt to overcome them. For example, not every kid has to be an athlete, a very popular figure in the school, or a deft watercolorist. But in certain instances weaknesses are worth trying to fix. For example, a language deficiency must be addressed, since verbal abilities are critical to success in school as well as in most careers. Sometimes a dysfunction should be bypassed. For instance, a kid harboring a graphomotor problem with resulting illegible handwriting can be allowed to write reports or take quizzes on his laptop.

4. It is essential that parents make a concerted effort to strengthen a child’s strengths. In the long run, the strengthening of strengths will have a greater payoff than the patching up of weaknesses! Family activities, afterschool lessons of various sorts, and focused learning should be geared to building on individual assets. Nothing is more important.

5. Once a parent acquires a good handle on a child’s neurodevelopmental profile, this understanding should be shared with that son or daughter. We call this process demystification. A child needs the words to think about and talk about his kind of mind. Kids with school difficulties especially crave and require this insight. The better they understand themselves, the less likely they are to lose their motivation, think of themselves as pervasively defective (i.e., “stupid”), and/or develop serious behavioral complications.

6. Parents have to be sensitive and responsive when a child lives with a sibling who significantly outperforms him in school. They have to find activities or pursuits tailored to the strengths and affinities of the kid who is less of a star in the classroom or on the playing fields. That child needs help establishing his own unique pathways and sources of self-esteem.

7. Children generally know that their parents love them. However, most wonder if their parents respect them. A child has to overhear a mother or a father boasting about him to friends and relatives. Kids are at serious risk when they come to feel that they are a disappointment to their parents. Watching a child’s mind grow and become what it ought to become is one of the greatest pleasures of parenthood. Getting to know that mind and helping it thrive in its own authentic manner makes the parenting experience even more gratifying - and vital.

Dr. Mel Levine is a pediatrician and the author of numerous books and articles on learning and brain development during childhood and adolescence. He is the CEO of Bringing Up Minds, a web-based program (http://www.bringingupminds.com) enabling parents to understand their children’s minds while keeping up with the latest scientific and practical knowledge geared toward helping them experience success.

Snow Days -- by Cara

When I was a little girl, I can remember dancing with joy when the radio announced that our school district would be closed due to a snow storm! My first chore was always to help my Dad shovel the driveway. But once that was cleared, I was allowed to play out in the snow to my heart’s content!

We lived 3 houses away from a golf course, so many children in the area would gather their sleds and in my case, a toboggan, and set off to go sledding down the hills of this exciting “snow course!” Even as an only child, I had a blast, and would often run into other classmates who lived close by! What wonderful memories!

Other times, I would make a snow man and decorate him with one of my old hats, a scarf, and mittens! My mother would provide me with a carrot for a nose and black buttons for eyes, nose and mouth! Cars would actually slow down to observe my work in progress! I adored playing in the snow! And my mother always had a warm mug of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows waiting for me once my excursions in the snow were done for the day! Ahh, the days of childhood!

Now, thirty-five plus years later, I’m not as fond of being outside in the cold as I used to. My son does, though, which is to be expected of a six year old boy! With every significant snow storm (in this case, another East Coast blizzard!), my son can’t wait to get outside to make snowmen!! And because it does bring back those fond memories of my youth, I usually get bundled up with my son, and we set out to make our snowman! The snow this blizzard brought happened to bring perfect snowman making snow - a little wet, but still fluffy!

To my amazement, my son made quite a magnificent base for this snowman! I then showed him how to roll a snowball in the fresh snow to make a medium size middle for the snowman and then a smaller size for the head! But instead of the usual hat, scarf and mittens, my son wanted his snowman to be “cool”. He named the snowman, “Snommie,” and put a bandana, sunglasses, and a cool scarf on “Snommie.” I guess snowmen have come a long way since I was a child!
Then he found two large branches for arms and used small rocks for “Snowmmie’s” mouth. My creative child proved his creativeness!!

As for the sledding, my husband took my son to a local park with hills to sled down the next day in his 4-wheel drive vehicle. Because I had my fill of snow and cold, I didn’t join them for the sledding fun. But I did make myself a large mug of delicious hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. Just the way my mother used to make it! It almost made me want to run outside and make “snow angels!”

Loving Without Regret -- by Cara

I read Robin’s article about happiness on Friday. She truly loves her son, and it most certainly comes across in her blogs. I know she has exasperating days; we all do as parents. But Robin doesn’t give up. She lives in the moment and tries to find a silver lining in even the most trying of situations with her child.

I aspire to be more like Robin with my son. He’s tough. He can easily give you a run for your money and you usually have to be two thought processes ahead because he’ll stop you in your tracks, speechless, with some of the things he says. He is not rude or obnoxious in any way. He’ll just catch you off guard when you least expect it. For example, if I ask him to clean up his toys and he doesn’t want to, I will give him a consequence to ponder. I will inform him that if he will not pick up the toys, I will give them away to other children who need toys. His comeback, “Okay. You can take that game over there. I don’t play with that anymore either.” See what I mean? He’s tough and he’s smart.

I sometimes run through a lot of days like this with him. Sometimes a whole week of moody, irritable behavior. And I admit, I say to myself, is it really worth it having a child? Yes, I marvel at how adept he is at putting together a complex Lego set. Or melt when I see how gentle and empathetic he is with all types of animals. But those trying days, especially several in a row, do make me question my decision to have had a child.

I decided to blog on this topic because another Mom, on a different website, posed the same question: “If you had a second chance, knowing what you know now, would you still have children?” I must say, that’s a bold and gutsy question to ask a group of other Moms! But this group of Moms can take questions such as this and not be overly judgmental about them.

The answers were shockingly honest, but the consensus was that although this group of Moms want to sell their own children sometimes (this IS a bold and gutsy group!), they do not regret being parents at all!

So I asked myself the same question: If I were able to do it over, knowing what I know now, would I still have wanted to conceive? And the answer is without a doubt, YES! I would hate to get to age 80, childless, and be left with “what if” floating over my head. I want the experience of being a parent. And it is an experience that changes and matures you like no other experience ever could or will.

Yes, I wish my son were not so antagonistic or whiny or moody. But he is who he is. And I accept that. He is still young at 6, and is just at the point in his life where he is testing limits and boundaries and new dance moves! He is learning what acceptable versus unacceptable language is, no matter where he hears it from. He is learning tolerance and at least a little more patience. He is bursting with newness every single moment!

So as a 40+ Mom, do I get tired? Yes. Exasperated? Yes. Even too worn out to properly discipline? Unfortunately yes to that too, sometimes. But do I regret being a Mom and watching my son grow and evolve? Not a single chance! A little extra sleep and a few extra cuddles definitely helps makes it ALL worthwhile!

Mensch-in-the-Baking -- by Robin

We had our parent teacher meeting this week, and I almost got choked up.

They had the nicest things to say about Seth in terms of his character and personality. We talked about how he always wants to help people, and has huge empathy and an unusual level of maturity when it comes to expressing concern for people's well-being.

My husband and I have long known this. I've always been struck by his big-heartedness, coupled with his spunky personality. He'd be the first on the scene to come to someone's aid, and he's the life of the party. We've always joked that he's going to be the "mayor' of our town one day....though Seth aspires to be a fireman.

He is a "little love" in my book.

That said....we also work hard to reinforce in him the need to give back and be grateful.

In an effort to combine this lesson with something he loves, I got the idea from an article I read to take him to our local volunteer firehouse (for one of our many, many visits)...but this time...to bake brownies for the firemen and express our gratitude for all that they do for the community. Seth loved the idea! He couldn't get in the door fast enough. And, he told his class all about our plans to visit the firehouse.

It made me feel good that he valued the experience. And, I gained from it as well.

One of the outings for MotherhoodLater.com that I planned for the NY chapter was a trip to Ronald McDonald House. There, we also baked brownies (notice the brownie theme?!)....this time for the families who are staying there. Ronald McDonald House is an amazing place that houses/feeds families in need whose children are ill and are receiving nearby medical care.

It was in some ways a harder lesson for Seth to take in, but I explained that we have to value our health and not take it for granted. That even children get sick, and we're doing our part by baking for their families so they can enjoy despite all that they are dealing with.

I consider Seth a mensch (decent person)-in-the-making (or should I say baking?), and I'm proud to help mold him in that way. He's already a natural in the caring department, and if I can help provide experiencesthat offer him further opportunity to grow and share what he is so capable of, I consider it a priority.

It's a win-win situation, and touches me as well. It's so easy to get caught up with all that we have to do in our lives. We live in a day 'n age that is quite consuming....be it with technology or other pursuits we endeavor to keep up with.

But, at the end of the day, it's the simple gestures that go far. And, if that means my becoming a brownie baking queen for the purpose of giving back, Julia Child I'm not, but I'll gladly give it a go. And, Seth is always happy to lick the spoon.

Is Yelling the New Spanking? by Cara

I was forwarded an article by a friend this week, written by a New York Times columnist about whether American parents believe yelling at their children is considered what spanking used to be back in the 50s, 60, and to a certain degree, the 70s.

The article shouted practically a unanimous, “yes,” with evidence backed up by child psychology researchers and interviews with parents. Most of the evidence indicated that the same parents who would “never” spank their children, use yelling as a means to get their point across instead. In fact, one blogger admitted on her blog, “I am a screamer. I’m a Mom that screams, shouts and loses it in front of my kids and feel like I’m revealing a dark family secret.”

This may not be so far from the truth. My own parents never spanked me. However my father used to bellow so loudly at me at the smallest of infractions, it almost felt like a spanking. In fact, a spanking might have hurt less at times.

I personally have never spanked my son and have yelled at him only once (not including screaming for him to wait at a corner until I get there so as not to get run over). Every other time, I give myself a time out. I go to another room, lock the door, put earplugs in and listen to calming music for 5 minutes. I’ve been known to put my toddler in a playpen and walk around the house a few times. And on a couple rare instances, I handed my husband the baby, grabbed my car keys and my wallet and drove around the neighborhood for 30 minutes or so.

So what are these experts and researchers trying to tell us? And what really is a frustrated, ready to blow parent supposed to do? According to the New York Times article, both psychologists and psychiatrists generally say yelling should be avoided. At best, it is ineffective (the more you do it, the more the child tunes you out) and at worse, it can be damaging to a child’s sense of well-being and self-esteem. As one researcher put it, “If someone yelled at you at work, you’d find that pretty jarring.” Furthermore, if the tone of the yelling denotes anger, insult, or sarcasm, a child can perceive it as parental rejection.

The bottom line message through this article is: Don’t yell. Easier said than done. But there are strategies to prevent situations from escalating into the “Yell-o-sphere.” One strategy, as I’ve mentioned and used is to give yourself the time-out. Go into another room and scream into a pillow if need be! Be proactive, let young ones know that a transition will be coming soon and repeat it in intervals. Make sure the school age child has the backpack filled the night before. Tell your young ones that going into a store is where the parent makes the purchases, not the child. I personally go shopping while my son is in school. If I were not able to do that, I would forgo sleep and do grocery shopping at 10:00 pm. But that’s just me!

The experts suggest figuring out your own ways to prevent situations that make you most prone to yell. And take a deep breath before the words come out. There, unfortunately, will always be those moments where you just don’t know how to handle certain situations. You’ll blow, but an apology is usually recommended. And you can always do what I do if I know my husband is in a bad mood and may explode. I’ll say to my son, “Honey, just don’t make Daddy mad.” My son knows EXACTLY what that means! Then we BOTH stay away!

GUEST BLOG POST: Across Generations - Growing Up with Later Parents -- by Darren Manley

The week she was going to leave for a dream vacation to Europe is the week my mother discovered she was three months pregnant. It was January of 1984; she was 44 years old and married two years. Coming home from the doctor, she was – along with my 57-year old dad – more than a little surprised by the boy who had taken up residence inside her, especially as she had thought she was going through the Change of Life at the time and would not be able to conceive.

The doctors were quite surprised, too. My parents hadn’t tried to conceive before marriage, and once they were married, they were open to the idea of having a child, but didn’t think it would happen at Mom's age.

In the mid-1980s, Mom didn’t have the support, knowledge, and expert care that later parents today have. With the average ages of marriage and parenting gradually climbing, our understanding of the needs later parents have is increasing. The important decision to conceive or adopt is leavened by the comfort this understanding provides. But there is another element the later parent has that no knowledge or statistic can give, and it’s the one my mother drew on most: faith.

It was a magnanimous faith that her generation exemplified, and she would exercise it so often in the months and years ahead, just as many later moms do. Instead of cruising the world, she decided to take the more meaningful, lasting journey into motherhood, and she believed in herself through all the difficult, fun, and just plain humorous moments that parenting provides. Mom’s faith was specific to her generation, yet also universal – it is displayed every time a parent decides that age and generation will have no say in the love she has for her children.

Growing up with older parents was a different experience for me in a world that values youth so fiercely. But as a young adult, I came to see that what I once thought were negatives were actually positives. In sacrificing their retirement to care for me, Mom and Dad used another of their gifts as later parents – the gift of perspective. They had seen so much of the world and endured so many of its changes that the inevitable ups and downs of parenting seemed almost natural to them. While they got caught up in the day-to-day, as all first-time parents do, they were also able to draw upon their many life experiences and look to the future in a way their counterparts just couldn’t. This perspective was, in many ways, passed down to me as I learned about life from a father who had once eaten five-cent candy bars and a mother whose earliest memories included Harry Truman coming from behind to defeat Thomas Dewey in 1948.

Growing up with later parents, at its core, gave me a heightened appreciation for the important things in life – faith, family, honesty, and old-fashioned respect. And later parents, regardless of generation, seem to know innately what is important, starting with the opportunity to be a parent and instill their values in the children they love so much.

At my regular blog (http://www.growingupold.com/), I often hear from later parents who wonder how their children will view them as young adults. They find my thoughts – at 25 years of age – comforting (and, hopefully, encouraging). I think that this infuses my words with a purpose, beyond simply writing about my childhood. While my immediate goal is to tell our story, I have also begun to take pride in showing later parents that age is one of the greatest advantages they could ever have. Today, with my mother 69 and my father 82, we laugh and cry when we talk about my journey of “growing up old,” and I know in my heart that they would take it with me all over again.

Back-to-School Makes Parents Want to Sing! by Cara Meyers

Many of you may remember the Staples commercial several years back. It showed a man riding on a shopping cart, tossing school supplies for his children into the cart, as the cart flew down the isles. In the background of the commercial, the holiday song, “It’s the MOST wonderful time of the year!,” was playing and this man’s face was filled with glee with his children scowling as they shuffled behind him! I don’t even think I had a child at that time, but that commercial stuck with me and now resonates with me since my son is going back to school, entering first grade today!
I have also been hearing about and seeing internet postings of some of the most bizarre school supply requests you could possibly imagine! (Contac Brand CLEAR contact paper anyone?). So I just had to write my own silly version of a different holiday song, tying the remembrance of the Staples commercial in with some of the most incomprehensible school supply lists I have seen!

In honor of all the parents who are sending their children back to school today and are actually thankful that school is back in session, I have taken the liberty to modify a different holiday song. I dedicate it to my son, who is returning back to school today too.
(To be sung to the tune of “A Partridge in a Pear Tree):

Before the first day back to school, my teacher sent to me,
a letter with supplies I’d need:

12 #2 sharpened pencils, (Dixon brand; please sharpen at home EACH DAY)
11 pens for writing (Bic brand suggested, blue, black, red and green)
10 colored markers (in original colors only, please)
9 sticky glue sticks (30 gm size only)
8 spiral notebooks (8 mm ruled, 70-100 sheets each)
7 sets of crayons (only Crayola brand!)
6 EXPO dry erase chisel tip markers (Low odor/darker colors)
5 DIFFERENT COLOR 2 POCKET FOLDERS!
4 erasers (Sanford Magic Rub brand only, in white)
3 bottles of glue (Elmer’s ONLY, 4 oz., no larger)
2 art smocks (made from cutting up 2 of Daddy’s button-down shirts - sorry Daddy!)
and
ONE BIG BULGING BACKPACK!!

So, to my son, I say, I love you and enjoy your first day back! And to all of the other children starting back to school today, have a great first day of school! I know I will!

When It Rains, It Pours

When it rains it pours....literally.

It's been raining this whole week in NY, and my brain is water-logged.

This has been a trying time.

Seth was home sick with a virus/temperature.

He missed his "moving up" day for first grade.

Luckily he was well enough to attend his kindergarten ceremony/party in class. It was bittersweet.

We had no home phone service for four days due to the basement construction, which is truly challenging me, as I blogged previously.

Workers in the house daily. Decisions to be made. And, now we have a potential legal matter on our hands due to plumbing that turned up in the basement that was done not up to code (we didn't know) by a previous contractor who redid a bathroom for us. It has to be fixed for our current project to pass inspection, and we're looking at a $3,000 expense. The contractor was informed and dismissed it....so we may be looking at small claims court...which I hate to pursue.

Yesterday our home phone service was fixed, and I awoke this morning to a totally dead cell phone. I have no clue why. It won't even charge. It was fine when I went to bed last night.

Ok. I know in the scheme of things none of this is major. But, it adds up.

Seth has half a school day today, and we plan to see the movie UP with friends this afternoon.....after a visit to the Verizon store. The "upside" is that Seth loves that place, so it will be one more engaging activity for him today.

Is this rain gonna stop in time for Father's Day?! Would be nice to spend the day at our community pool and have dinner out. Not sure what we'll do if the weather doesn't hold up.

Ever feel like you just want to stay in bed and sleep for days?! That's kinda where I'm at at the moment, since I haven't been sleeping great all week due to visions of the basement floating through my mind.

I need a girls night out bad! Do you take the time to do that?

It's so important for us caretaking moms to make sure life doesn't feel overwhelmed with chores, tasks, responsibility, etc.

My birthday is in August...and while a ways away...I'm already giving some thought to what I might like to do.

This coming week is gonna be busy too. Seth starts camp June 29th, so I have to make sure he's prepared. And, he's got a ton of half days, so we have some pool playdates scheduled and a haircut. And, two birthday parties for friends of his in the next week.

Diverting for a moment....did you read the story on Newsday.com re: the 53 year old woman on Long Island who participated in a press conference yesterday at North Shore Hospital in NY, announcing she gave birth to twins using donor eggs and her husband's sperm. She wants to be an advocate for those who view their biological clock as ticking, so they can know it's possible to give birth, without complications, even in your 50s.

I thought...more power to her....twins at that age! G-d bless them all. As long as they're all in good health, that's what counts. I, personally, couldn't imagine. But, it's all what you want from life. The dad is 41.

Happy Father's Day to all the "later" dads out there!!

Gal Pals Day Out

Had such a fun and relaxing day yesterday....just have to share.

A friend of mine bought a new house in the country, and she was excited to have me come visit. So, she, I and a mutual friend of ours, drove upstate after Seth left for school, and we spent a leisurely afternoon and evening at her home.

It was a lovely day on many levels.

I feel like I'm racing the clock on a daily basis, so to allow myself the opportunity for a day away from my computer (though I did have my Blackberry), was a treat. Since she is spending only sporadic time at the house right now, it's not fully furnished, and there was something to be said for the sparseness of it. The energy felt free-flowing. And, the views from her oversized windows were impressive. Corn fields. A pond. Mountains. Canadian geese. Ok.....the geese pooped all over her deck on the pond, so the serene picture wasn't perfect, but then, what in life is?!

One of my friends who came is adept at decorating, planning out home spaces, etc., so she went to work immediately offering advice on what might be done. It was cool to hear the ideas she was coming up with and to watch her mind at work. She is an artist, so I'm in awe of her talent as is.

My other friend composes music, and she proudly showed us her new Yamaha keyboard, and I thought how amazing it must be to write music in the country and hear it played in this woodsy home with expansive ceilings, etc. I'm sure it sounds wonderful.

I was content just laying back, though I did help my artist friend work on a proposal for an art exhibition she'd like to submit to. It felt good to put on my thinking cap for someone else. Sometimes I feel so caught up in my own projects and endeavors, that it's helpful to step outside my own arena and brainstorm on another person's behalf. It reminded of my pre-motherhood days when I used to work in Manhattan for a PR firm and was constantly producing for clients looking to make headlines re: their products or services. I loved seeing what I could come up with and how the press would respond.

Yesterday, each of us also did our own thing for part of the time in the house, and I liked the vibe of being with other creatve entrepreneurs all working toward our respective goals. It's so isolating, I find, working from my house on Long Island. I'm a big people person, yet I'm a sole practitioner who is home-based.

As the afternoon progressed, we took a ping pong break. It felt like a trip down memory lane. I can't remember the last time I played ping pong or where I played, but I remembered that I always liked it. And, my skill came back. I played pretty well, especially considering it's been years since I picked up a paddle. And, as leisurely as we all tried to take the game, alternating playing singles, the competitive streak came out in each of it, and the game took on zealous speed. It somehow reminded me of my life...bouncing back 'n forth between various pursuits.

I now want to get a ping pong table, if we can fit it in our basement.

We left her house late, and it was raining and so very dark, but still peaceful. We stopped at a Mexican place and had an after hours dinner, and I returned home around midnight. I was yawning away in her car, yet when my head hit the pillow, I was wired and couldn't sleep. It had been both an exhilarating and calming day.

I felt like a free woman for the day. Not a mom. Not a wife. Not a daughter. Just Robin. The Robin who is more capable that she might think of laying back.

I need to tap into that Robin more often. I think all us busy multi-tasking "later" moms need to take the time to soothe our inner spirit, rejuvenate, and remind ourselves of who we were before motherhood.

Our children, mates, etc. will probably like us all the better for it, because we will ultimately be happier if we recapture any joy from yesteryear that feels lost. Or, even if it doesn't feel lost, but has taken on a different shape, it still feels good to rediscover activities we loved and the joy of both play and doing nothing.

I look forward to teaching my son the rules of ping pong one day.


PS -- Check out the April giveaway on MotherhoodLater.com, courtesy of www.MamaMio.com. They feature anti-aging body care and gifts for yourself or other supermamas in your life.

Valentine's Day & A High School State of Mind

It's Valentine's Day.

What do you have on tap?

My husband is working today....tax season....and then we have errands to run later.

So, it's me and Seth hangin' at the moment...and he's being very good company today. Often he can get a bit naggy asking me incessantly, "what are we doing today?" But, today isn't one of those days, thankfully.

What would I be doing to celebrate Valentines' Day if I were single, I've been thinking? (Not that I wish I was.) Would I feel like I should have a date? (probably...knowing me) Would I feel like I should be going to a party and socialize? (probably...knowing me) Would I decide to get a massage? (probably not....though I should) I strongly believe that we should, as best we can, do what feels good.

I had lunch with a gal from high school yesterday who I haven't seen in years. We've been loosely in touch via email, but getting together was nice. It was different in person. Email is not the same. A positive trip down memory lane. I think back on high school with fond memories.

Hard to believe it's like 30 years later. And, interesting, how as women, we can immediately find a way to reconnect. Before I knew it, we were talking about hormones, etc. Exchanging health tips, etc. If felt good, and reminded me of who I was a long time ago before I became a mom. I wasn't one of those gals who from a very young age aspired to parent. And, this particular friend of mine, isn't married and has no desire to have children. She had an autistic brother growing up who she cared for quite a lot....and now she works as a visiting nurse.....so she doesn't wish to play caretaker to a child. I could totally understand and applauded her for being true to herself, and making the decision that feels right to her. That is so important!

When she was in high school...did she think she'd marry?

Did I think I'd marry?

Did kids come into either of our minds? (not me)

I enjoyed being my own person. And, while I lived at home, I had a close bunch of male and female pals that got together regularly. I had always relished being with groups of people. I do miss that these days. Everyone is so busy, except when you see them at a kids party. And, then, we all return to our rapidfire lives of responsibility.

I was reading the sad story of the airplane crash this week in Buffalo, NY. One of the deceased was a woman who lost her husband on 9.11 and had become an activist for the families involved, working with government to try to make the world a safer place, etc. In an article about it, it discussed how she and her late husband had been high school sweethearts. I thought that was so endearing. And, bittersweet. Life is so inpredictable. She just passed away in her 50s, and I'm sure when she was a high school student, the last thing she would have ever imagined is that both she and her husband would each die tragically and as violently as they did....and not make it to old age.

We so need to appreciate today and live fully and happily. I, personally, wish I could preserve some of the carefree mindset I had in high school.

How about you? Do you ever think back to high school? What did you envision for your life? Are you living what you had hoped for or expected? How does it feel? What would you want for your child/children when they're in high school, given what you know as you look back on your own life?

Feel free to share.

MISSING MOM

To give you an update....we made it through week three without a nanny unscathed, and things are gradually shaping up on this end.

We decided to enroll my son in an after school program for two days. Turns out a bunch of boys he knows are also in the program, so he's a happy camper about going there. And, we feel good about him having further socializing opportunities. Having him there is also helping me to straighten out my schedule, since I know that I have a bigger chunk of time available during the day to get things done. I feel a bit less like I'm racing the clock, though there still never seems to be enough hours in the day these days.

I've been sharing our nanny story with people gradually...those who knew her...and everyone is a bit stunned at the way it sadly concluded. Myself included, of course.

It made me think back to when Seth was a little one and how we've always had help. This is a whole new experience for us. So many moms I know have family support, which is so wonderful.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I become accutely conscious of family. I was speaking with one mom friend yesterday who mentioned she is cooking for 16. And, that she and her husband are going away in a couple of weeks to stay at a friends time share. Her parents or her husband's parents will stay with the kids (she has two) while they're gone.

I wondered...what is that like?

I am a "later" mom who is herself the product of "later" parents...and my mom passed away 10 years ago. My dad is a senior with health challenges. And, my husband lost his dad, and his mom is a senior. So, we have no parental help with Seth, and little family to spend holidays with. My sister and her family and my husband's brother and his family are all traveling for Thanksgiving.

I'm not a big entertainer, so I don't mind not having a crowd over for dinner. But, I do get a bit melancholy when I think of what holidays were like for me growing up. My mom would cook, and the whole house smelled great. And, I remember her signature recipes, i.e. matzoh stuff and pumpkin bread with chocolate chips. My husband now makes the pumpkin bread, which my son loves, and I feel like we're sharing a bit of my mom with him, who he never knew.

I mentioned to a new friend the other day that my mom never met my son and how much she would have loved him. I'm sad for that, though we talk about her and share her photos with Seth. And, one day (when I have the emotional strength) can show him videos. But, they remain hard for me to watch.

So, if you have your parents, I urge you to enjoy them and not just during the holidays. Stay in the moment. Treasure their presence in your family's life...even if the relationship isn't perfect. You'll miss them when they're gone, regardless, and perhaps wish things might have been different. So, seize this time and try to create as loving a scenario with them as you can.

I'd love to have my mom back, even for a moment, so she could smile at my son.

Our Children, Ourselves

I was watching The View on ABC this morning, and they featured a number of guests addressing the subject of plastic surgery. It was a combination of both individuals and doctors sharing their experiences.

I was particularly struck by a mother and young daughter who were on the show. The daughter had had a couple of procedures. One was breast reduction. The other was liposuction. And, she was addressing how she has a deviated septum and expects one day to have surgery to correct her nose.

There was some debate about such a young person having elective cosmetic surgery, which is a whole topic unto itself.

What really struck me from the segment was a comment made to the effect that what matters most is that it be the child's decision and not that of the parent. Of course the parent is there to support them and seek out competent medical care. But, at the end of the day, elective cosmetic surgery is not something a young person should do to please a parent.

This holds true, in general, way beyond any discussion re: plastic surgery.

As a parent, and perhaps in particular, as a later parent, we want so much for our children. Certainly any parent's goal is a happy, healthy child, but as a 35+ mom, I wonder if we are even more inclined to want our children to reach their best because we are further ahead in our lives and have potentially succeeded at careers or on other levels?

We have to be sure not to impose our wants or desires on our children, however tempting it may be.

While we've lived more of life than younger parents, our children will make their own mistakes, as they should. We can't protect them on every level, nor do we want to live through them.

Seeing who they will become is part of the thrill, certainly as we nurture and provide for them along the way. But, especially as they get older, their decisions will be their own. And, we may or may not be in agreement with them.

I can only imagine it will get harder on that level as Seth matures. I hope I can continue to be a voice of reason and strength as he further develops his own character and personality. I'm immensely curious to see what direction life takes him, and I'm grateful to be along for the ride.

PS -- Reminder -- the MotherhoodLater.com newsletter is launching soon. If you haven't already signed up to receive it, be sure that you input your email address on www.motherhoodlater.com.

Phases of Life

My dad is turning 90 in September, and my sister and I are in discussion about planning a surprise party for him. Nothing super elaborate or large, but something special, heartfelt and memorable for all involved.

Last night, I attended a wedding for a third cousin with my dad. There I saw relatives many of whom I haven't seen in years or perhaps never met. My dad is one of 7, so there's quite a number of them on both his mother's and father's side. But, he only has one sibling living at present, a brother in Florida.

It got me thinking about the cycle of life. I am so grateful for my dad. I lost my mom over 10 years ago, and have blogged about that. And, I often wonder how long he will live (not that I want to think negatively). He has had a number of health challenges over the last few years in particular, and his age is catching up with him. I never viewed him as old. Age wasn't a factor. He's my dad, and that's what counts.

Looking at him now makes me all the more conscious of the passsge of time, and the phases we all go through.

At the wedding last night I sat next to a cousin in her 50s who was talking about aches 'n pains she never had before. And, how with each decade of life, comes wisdom and body changes. We do our best to help ourselves, but we can't control the entirety of our health.

Seeing the couple get married and knowing they're about to start their lives together, makes you realize the sweetness of life. Another couple there, cousins of my dad, said they are married over 50 years, and two beautiful sets of grandchildren were also parttaking in the wedding festivities last night.

It was so nice to be together for a happy occasion. For a while there, funerals seemed all too prevalent in my family, as I lost uncles and aunts, seemingly in clusters.

I have always found it hard to accept that losing loved ones is part of life.

When I spoke to my husband last night after getting home from the wedding (he & my son didn't attend), another phase of life presented itself and made me smile. I asked him how things went with him and my son while I was out with my dad. I had left them at our community pool, and they had dinner out.

He proceeded to tell me what a little daredevil Seth is becoming in the water. How after I left, Seth asked him over 'n over again to throw him over his shoulder into the water. And, how he and a little friend wanted to jump into the pool backwards before the lifeguard stopped them out of concern for their safety.

I thought....here my son is practically doing backflips, and my dad has his moments of struggling to walk steadily.

Aging is surely not easy, though it happens to the best of us.

I am so grateful to have an energetic spirit like Seth in my life, and hope that my dad will continue to enjoy him as well and share stories from his childhood. Maybe it will take him back to his days of youth, and I can see that spark in his eye. He, too, was once Seth's age, and the years have flown by.

SPECIAL BLOG POST: FRIDAY'S FORGOTTEN BOOKS

Miriam the Medium, author, Rochelle Jewel Shapiro, (a wonderful writer & new friend), tagged me to contribute a review of an older book that isn't widely read anymore or a recent book that's slipped beneath the rador, and post it on my blog on Friday. This unique, creative project was launched by writer, Patti Abbot, http://pattinase.blogspot.com/, and I'm flattered to participate.

Since I'm posting this review on MotherhoodLater.com, I have selected a children's title that recently came to my attention.

Had I not become a mother, I would never have had the pleasure of discovering this little gem of a book. So, I have Seth, my son, to thank for this, among other things.

Being the truck-loving "all boy" that he is, his nighttime story reading preference is almost always something related to firemen, rescue vehicles, construction, etc. However, The Gift of Nothing is a title that I've managed to sneak in to our reading repetoire, and I truly appreciate the message of this small tale with a lot of heart.

By Patrick McDonnell (Little, Brown and Company, 2006), whose website is www.muttscomics.com, it delightfully tells the story of Mooch the cat and Earl the dog. Mooch wants to give his best friend, Earl, a gift, and can't decide what to get him. The more and more Mooch thought, he asked himself, "What do you get someone who has everything?" He decides he will give him "the gift of nothing." "But in this world filled with so many somethings, where could he find nothing?" After a failed attempt at shopping and a lot of frustration, Mooch gets a big box, ties it with a ribbon, and puts nothing in it. He presents it to Earl who says, "There's nothing in here." To which Mooch replies,"Yesh! Nothing.....but me and you."

They hug each other, as best friends do, and "Mooch and Earl just stayed still and enjoyed nothing and everything." (as they looked out the window of Earl's home admiring the snowy, wintery outdoors, the darkened sky and moon, relishing in their friendship and the wonder of nature during holiday season.)

I never get tired of this book, and I hope you will join me in teaching your children that in this world of excess, less is more, and pleasure can come from many sources.

I now tag Mary Ellen Walsh, freelance writer and long time friend/former co-worker, to present her forgotten book of choice. For details on her background, visit www.maryellenwalshwriter.com.

Dental Disaster

Little did I know how much my son's last physical shook him up. It shook me up at the time, since he had to get two booster shots and a blood test. Apparently this is what happens when a child turns five. He cried and cried,understandably so, but when it was over, I felt he had conquered a major hurdle and would not be needing shots for quite some time now.

Yesterday, however, proved to be a different challenge. He was scheduled for his routine six month dental cleaning. We arrived in the office, and Seth quickly proclaimed he loves coming to the dentist. Sure....that was his opinion of the waiting room. They have a super cool indoor building the kids can climb into. He can't get enough of it.

We were quickly called in to see the dentist. The dental assistant asked what flavor toothpaste he'd like his teeth cleaned with. He happily requested watermelon. Then he canvased the room, looking for the toys usually strewn about to distract the kids. There were none to be found this time for some reason.

The dentist walked in and cheerfully engaged Seth in a discussion about pre-K, his summer plans, etc. It worked for a while when Seth was in the dental chair, until he took out "the hook." The "dreaded hook." Who knew!? Seth bolted from the chair, requested a kiss from mom, and refused to return to the chair. He started crying, explaining that he is afraid of "the hook."

I was stunned. This never happened before.

The hook tool is used by the dentist to lightly tap on/check Seth's teeth for cavities. The dentist, himself, proclaimed Seth's teeth looked fine, but this was standard procedure. It's used on adults too to scrape off tarter, etc.

I took Seth out into the hall and tried to calmly have a talk with him. My persuasion didn't work. I ultimately threatened punishment back home. No tv. No ice cream....if he didn't cooperate. He didn't care.

The dentist even suggested I sit in the chair and try to hold Seth on my lap. But, being that I recently hurt my back, I was in no position to lift or restrain Seth as he moved about and take the chance of getting further injured.

So, the doctor said we should just come back another time...and next time, his dad will take him.

I felt kinda mortified. I didn't see this coming. The dentist was very kind and reassured me that it often happens when kids turn 5. They are more aware of medical procedures and after getting so many shots, etc., they become cautious about doctor, dental visits.

I can understand that, but at the same time, certain things in life are necessary.

I'm scheduled to get my dreaded mammo/breast sonogram tomorrow. And, as much as I hate and fear it since I have "complex" breasts, it's not something I would ever skip. Do you get anxious about your mammos?

I tried to explain that to Seth, but given that he was agreeable to skipping ice cream, you can imagine that what I had to say likely when in one ear and out the other.

Have you had this experience with your child?

The Half Day Deal

I ask you....what is the deal with a half day in kindergarten?

Seth starts this coming fall, and he will have either two or three days when he only goes for three hours. He is in pre-K now, and goes for five hours.

We are not happy about this.

He will be going to a different school, come fall, and unless we want to send him to a private school, this is the way it will be.

He's been in nursery and now pre-K from 9AM - 2PM since he turned 3.5, and it's been really good for him. He's learning, socializing, growing, etc....in ways that I have to imagine he wouldn't were he home during those hours. Although, when I was a kid, I didn't go to nursery school, and I turned out "ok" (I think). So, no doubt, there are different schools of thought.

But to go from more to less doesn't make a lot of sense to me. And, this isn't true of all school districts. We live in Great Neck, NY, and it's the case here.

So, now we're trying to figure out what to do with Seth when he gets home early those days. We can sign him up for individual programs elsewhere, i.e. gym, but it won't be the same continuity he'd have in a full day school program.

I'm just somewhat perplexed as to why the school here is set up this way.

How is it where you live? And, what is your feeling on full day kindergarten?

Just needed to vent............thanks for listening. :)

Where There's a Will

It's not something I like to think about or talk about. And, I don't embrace writing about it. But, I wanted to share with you a couple of discussions that recently came up with mom friends, both of whom are 40 something, like myself.

We were out to dinner with a family that has a three year old, and the subject of camp came up. As you know from my previous blog post, my husband and I have been visiting various summer camps and debating where to send Seth this year. Thankfully, we have made a decision on that front, and now it's just a question of how long we are sending him for.

In taking about it with these friends, they said that they, too, have signed their son up for camp, and there is the option that most camps offer of having him bused. It is not in their town, and would probably be about a 20 minutes bus ride, depending on how many children also have to be picked up/dropped off.

I recalled when Seth first got on the bus to go to nursery school. He was 3.5. I cried after he left, but he had a total blast. I got tearful because it was hard to believe he was capable of going on a bus without me. When I shared with these friends my experience and how Seth adored it, the mom said that wasn't her concern. She was worried for his safety. Who is the bus driver? she asked. What kind of driver is he? etc....etc. Her preference was to have her stay-at-home-husband drive him back 'n forth to the camp they selected.

When Seth first got bused, we met the driver and spoke to the school about it, and basically put our trust in this man. Thankfully, it has been ok, and he is Seth's driver again this year.

Then, we had lunch with a mom friend and her four year old twins. She was talking about taking a drive with her husband to go to a meeting they both had to attend. Her children didn't need to be there and could potentially be left home with the nanny, but she opted to take them. Then, she made a comment that I found a bit intriguing/surprising. She said she wanted to take them with her in case something happened. That she and her husband don't typically do things just the two of them without the kids for that reason.

To be honest, I didn't know how to respond. I asked, you mean that if G-d forbid you got into a car accident and got killed that you'd want your children to die with you? Not that she is a doom 'n gloom person and was anticipating this, but yes, that was her thought.

Then I asked, do you have wills? Have you provided for your children? Do you know who would care for them if something did happen to you and your husband? She said no.

Marc, my husband, and I, invested in hiring an attorney last year to draw up wills for us and other paperwork so that we know Seth will be secure, if need be. It is not something pleasant to discuss, and it led us to really examine who is in our lives and who we would want to raise Seth if we were gone. I don't want to think about that. Who does? Mortality? That's a hard nut to swallow. But, I do at least have the peace of mind to know that we've put things in place for Seth.

This leads me to the question...shouldn't we all as parents?! Isn't it our responsibility to have a will and whatever else is necessary, for our children's sake? Sure we want them to be safe, but there's only so much we can do.

Retreating from Motherhood

I was speaking with a friend today about the weekend we are about to go on together and our hopes for what it might be. We have signed up for the moms retreat upstate NY, with both Motherhood Later and other moms not from the group.

It's at a place called Peace Village, where the emphasis is on meditation, balance, and living a fulfilled life. This particular weekend, which I helped to plan, is for moms to rejuvenate, learn how spiritual pursuits can enhance their lives, get parenting advice, share....and take a break from home responsibility....without the children (unless you opted for childcare).

We are looking forward, and at the same time, it feels a bit odd....in a way....like I'm fleeing or "retreating" from Seth. I know I shouldn't look at it that way. It's just two nights. But, it's weird when you feel guiltily psyched to take a break from motherhood. Although, a big part of the weekend will focus on discussing it, so I'm hardly vanishing the thought from my mind...but I won't have to change pull-ups, etc.

I am really curious to see what other moms have to say in this communal setting. To let it all hang out, so to speak, in a safe, nurturing environment. It will be freeing to empower each other to lose the guilt, and feel a sense of entitlement to self care, whether physical or mental.

Peace Village is a casual, rustic, no frills place, so I don't have to dress to impress which is good. The friend I was chatting with compared it to Club Getaway, where I used to go when I was single. Boy, does that feel like a lifetime ago.

I know there is another person underneath the mom personna I now own, and I hope to recapture her a bit this weekend and bring her home to stay as best I can. Keep your fingers crossed for me (and all us moms), and I'll let you know if she emerged..........