GUEST BLOG: A "LATER" DAD'S PERSPECTIVE (in time for Father's Day)

STAY-AT-HOME DAD
By Grigoriy Lerman
(husband to Amy Wall Lerman, Northern NJ Motherhood Later Chapter Head)

“Would you write a little something about being a stay-at-home dad?”

I was loading baby bottles into the dishwasher at the time and looked up in confusion for a few seconds and asked her to repeat the question.

“Would you write a little something about being a stay-at-home dad?”

My wife was clearly talking to me.

A stay-at-home dad? But I never thought that term applied to me. Am I a stay-at-home dad? Wait! I'm 40 years old. I've already had one career and am working on another.

I guess I thought I was at home studying for my CPA exams and running a small (very small) business on the side. And oh yes, there’s this baby boy I take care of as well. I do all that from home and she commutes to New York City every day. I guess the term does apply to me. It was not a conscious decision for me to stay home with our 6 months old son; it just kind of worked out that way.

What can I write about? What about the frustration I feel when I’m desperately trying to finish something before Evan starts crying and I have to drop everything and go feed him? Or the pain I feel when he is crying and no matter what I do I just cannot seem to make him feel better? Every parent has had those moments so what’s so unique about my situation?

I was thinking about this as I strapped Evan into his car seat one sweltering afternoon. He was cranky and refusing to take his afternoon nap and I had a home project to complete. We had just bought a home theater system and I wanted to find some small wooden shelves to place the speakers on in order to get that full surround sound effect. Nothing like a little father-and-son adventure as a means of distraction.

Before she ran out for her bus to work that morning, my wife suggested I check out Michael’s, “they have shelves there – I’ve seen them.”

The dreaded Michael’s: with its racks of Styrofoam balls, reams of ribbon and aisles of plastic orchids. She’d dragged me in there before. This does not sound like quite the adventure I had in mind. Oh, but if you are a man with a “Baby Bjorn” strapped to your chest, venturing into this kind of place very much can be. As soon as I walked into the store I noticed that we were not only adventurers - we were pioneers. My 6 month old son and I were the only 2 “men” in the place. Women of all ages were browsing through aisles of “stuff” - but there was not a man in sight.

Move forth and conquer, I thought, and a few minutes later I was engrossed with some small pieces of wood I found in the paint-it-yourself bird house section. That’s when I saw him. Another man had just walked into the store, but he was not alone and was clearly not there by his own will. He was trailing two women who had become quite involved with a selection of buttons and the guy was clearly bored. For a brief moment our eyes met and then he turned away. I could swear I saw a smirk. “What kind of a self-respecting man goes into Michael’s by his own choice?” he seemed to be asking. A wave of self-consciousness hit me like a truck.

In the next aisle Evan cooed and reached for a jar of bright red paint and I regained my self-control. So what if I am at home during the day with my son and shopping at Michaels? If I am a stay-at-home dad I will be the best stay-at-home dad I can be and I will be proud of it. By the time I found exactly what I needed, I had completely regained my confidence. After paying the store clerk I asked for a copy of their latest promotional flyer she had lying by her register. I will be back.

Baby in the Car Seat

I'm typing this on my laptop as I sit in a chair on the driveway with baby in the car seat asleep. I just didn't have the heart to wake her - she needed a nap - and when we got home from running an errand, I decided to leave her in the car seat with the car doors open to let her sleep.

Of course, my husband will be home soon, and we'll see how he reacts to this. Another crazy move by his crazy wife?

Am I the only one who knowingly leaves baby in the car seat in the driveway at home to let the baby sleep?

Actually, I know I'm not because I learned that this move may not be a one-way ticket to Mommy Hell when I witnessed a girlfriend of mine doing the same thing - only her car was parked in her garage. She said that both she and her husband did it often rather than risking disturbing their baby's naptime.

Okay, are we the only two crazy moms doing this?

Baby's First...Second Bruise

I know that the more mobile she is getting, the more likely she'll get banged up and bruised. Baby's first bruise happened when she opened the bottom drawer on a heavy cabinet and her leg got trapped under it. The bruise was already coloring her thigh when I was able to extricate her leg.

This week, she was crawling around the fireplace, stood at the hearth and pow! She stumbled, tumbled and slammed the side of her face on the hard tiles. She did that breath-holding, red-faced grimace before she finally exhaled with a loud wail. I felt terrible because I was doing something in the kitchen and wasn't watching her when she was playing by the un-baby-proofed hearth.

She stopped crying in within a minute but still has a little shiner.

Baby also ate rocks and dirt this past weekend. Were that the only thing I was going to have to worry about with her...

She Walks!

Okay, I'm getting all excited because baby took a few steps while holding onto her little pushcart. But I counted nine consecutive steps on her own, unassisted by us, across the living room floor.

I'm excited about her walking. So many women say it is a mixed blessing when their children start to walk. They also say that about crawling, but I found that once baby crawled, she became more interactive and fun.

Sure she got into things. Okay, she is still getting into things like my cooking magazines (ripping the covers off them) and the carbon monoxide detector (removing it from the wall). But all in all, I'm enjoying her mobility.

Now we'll have to do the babyproofing a little higher up than before. Gone are the days of leaving things on a chair because they are out of her reach. I know I'll be chasing her around even more than before. But I look forward to her toddling.

A friend of mine keeps lamenting each stage of her baby's development and growth. Oh, she is no longer a baby. Oh, I can't believe she won't be a toddler for long. I'm not feeling a sadness or missing the previous stages.

Is it because I'm a constant overachiever myself and always striving for more more more that I am content with my kid's development. I'm just not missing the earlier stages as much. I'm trying to cherish each one as it comes and welcome the next one.

Sneaking in Some Work

It is Sunday, I should be doing things around the house (laundry, dishes, going through piles of old magazines) because baby is napping. But instead, I am compelled to get work done even though I am trying to only work on weekday mornings when the babysitter is here. There is either not enough time during the week or I can't get motivated during the week to focus entirely on work.

I end up blogging (hmmm, what am I doing right now?) or Twittering or doing some virtual window shopping. I'm trying to keep my workload manageable but am still trying to squeeze in a new client and a new column. Who do I think I am? The Pre-Baby Me?

Pre-baby, I was incredibly motivated, focused and productive. All of those words seem foreign to me now. I can remember that they used to apply to me but can't remember what they felt like. I keep making To Do lists then losing them, or I'm staring at them crosseyed hoping things will magically get checked off the list.

I've started feeling guilty about wanting to work all the time. I like working. I like getting things done. I'm still adjusting to the fact that taking care of baby means a different kind of productivity. I'm enjoying the milestones met and more bonding with baby, but I keep looking for "assignments" with a beginning, middle and end to check off a motherhood list. Probably not a healthy way to look at parenting.

So as I do mental and emotional gymnastics to learn what it means to be a mom instead of a workaholic overachiever, I find myself sneaking a moment to do things on my computer on the weekend as if I were sneaking chocolates. A momentary high of accomplishment. And the leftover feeling of guilt. Because there is still stuff to do around the house and baby will wake up any minute now.