Adoption

Why is the process of adoption such a challenge?

I have such a mixed feeling about this.

My son is adopted, and we went through a very difficult and emotional course until we successfully became his parents.

Adoption is a common path for many later parents, and while I know some who seemed to make a child their own with greater ease, I know others struggling.

A close mom friend of mine now wants to add to her family through adoption and has shared with me how overwhelming all the paperwork felt, etc., just getting to the point of being able to advertise. Now she is speaking with potential birthmothers, and that's a whole different experience which nothing in life truly prepares you for.

On one hand, I respect that a legal system was put in place to protect children and ideally have them adopted by good homes. However, it just seems that many families whose hearts are in such a good place, and want to adopt, not only have to pay a lot of money to do so, but then have to endure the process which can easily feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

And, sometimes it doesn't even seem like a reality that you will get a child. This friend of mine has big moments of doubt, and I totally empathize. We went through that as well. Until it happens, it's not an easy thing to believe. It can be such a waiting game, all the while your heart just yearns to love and provide for a child.

I feel for the aspiring moms out there who have chosen to go the adoption route, for whatever reason. It's a wonderful way to create a family. I just wish that somehow the process was more inviting or easier to follow.

I have assured my friend that the child she is meant to get will find its way into her home. But, until then, she has anxious periods of waiting for the phone to ring and holding her breath that it will be a truly viable situation that they can see through to completion.

Have you adopted, and what was your experience? Did you find the process a hard one? Did you have your doubts that it would happen for you?

At A Loss for Words

Recently one of my clients confided in me that she and her husband are trying to have a baby and are suffering from infertility. She just finished yet another attempt at IVF that didn't even yield a single egg worthy of extraction. She is 38 years old. She told me she confided in me because she thought I was an inspiration given all that we went through to get Joey and Lyra.

Problem is, I feel like I can offer no inspiration whatsoever. I refuse to give advice to people on this subject, and I refuse to fall prey to all of the cliches.

I refuse to say "Don't give up," because I gave up.

I refuse to say "Just keep on trying," because I stopped trying. And continuing to try in the face of such monumental odds is devastating to a woman's self-esteem, pocket book and sanity.

I refuse to say "Just relax and it will happen," because that is positively the most un-relaxing comment ever and it used to drive me crazy when people would say that to me. And besides, it doesn't work.

I refuse to say "Adopt and then you'll get pregnant," because despite a few "I know someone" stories and Charlotte's miraculous conception in Sex and the City, this does not happen nearly as often as people think. You never hear about the thousands of parents who do adopt and don't get pregnant.

And I refuse to say, "oh a donor egg / adopted baby / adopted embryo will feel just like your baby," because I didn't believe this when I was going through my infertility and adoption issues. (I believe it now, but when you are in the throes of infertility, this is not a great comfort.)

The only thing I can say for sure is that the right baby finds you at the right time. But somehow I feel this is less than adequate. Have any of you been through this with friends? When you've finally crossed over the great divide from want-to-be parent to an actual parent and you've still got friends on the other side? And what do you say?