Rainy Day Fun -- by Liimu

As I sit watching the rain splash against the windows, settling into the idea of a weekend of nonstop rain, it makes me reflect about water, and how important it is to be in the flow of life. When water rushes down along the side of the street, it flows easily around the rocks and sticks that might be in its way. Sometimes, a stick will get carried a long for a bit, and then fall off to the side. The water doesn’t worry about what that means, or how long the stick will go along for the ride. It just flows.

That’s very much how I’ve had to be this past few weeks. As a mother of three young daughters – ages 7, 6, and 3 – and a business owner and budding singer/songwriter, there are a hundred moving pieces to keep track of in any given day. If I get all jammed up about things not going according to my plan, well, then I’m just jammed up. I’m the stick stuck in a crevice of the curb, not allowing the current of life to just take me where I’m supposed to go. If, on the other hand, I’m in the flow of things, then I can often happily see, looking back, how things have gone exactly according to Plan.

Take, for instance, my upcoming trip with my daughters down to see my mother over Spring break. When we started planning our trip, my mom had a ton of commitments to juggle and I could see it was really stressing her out. Rather than get all bunched up about it, I told her if she would be willing to leave us a key somewhere, we would come and hang out in her neck of the woods, whether she’s there or not. This gave her the freedom to do what she really wanted to do, rather than extend any offers out of a sense of obligation. So, when she invited us to come and spend some time with her in Myrtle Beach at a lovely hotel with an indoor pool and lazy river, I happily said yes. That wouldn’t have even been an option if I had gotten all offended and upset, like I used to when I was younger.

I have learned in my years of recovery that when things don’t go according to my plan, it’s always because the Powers that Be have a much better Plan than what my little human brain was able to come up with. I have passed that attitude on to my children and they are growing up to believe that anything is possible, and that change is exciting, not something to be feared.

It’s a rainy weekend. So much for going to the playground or riding bikes, or all the other things we have been dreaming about doing this entire snowy winter. Rather than lament the fact that we can’t enjoy those fair-weather activities, my girls and I will look upon the unexpected showers as God wiping the slate of our weekend plans clean so we can dream up entirely new things to do that will be even more fun.

GUEST BLOG POST -- Are You a Yes-Mom? by Susan Newman, Ph.D.

Children have no trouble saying no. But, it’s a word you avoid because it sets your guilt-meter running especially where your children are concerned. You don’t want to disappoint them or make them unhappy.

We’re a culture of yes-parents…we give and give into most of what our children ask. But, how do you stop? And, why is saying NO to your children a good thing?

How Much of a Yes-Mom Are You?

If any of these sounds vaguely like you, it’s likely that your children turn you into a yes-parent quite easily.

1. Your living room looks like a toy store.
2. At any given hour the couch doubles as a trampoline, a wrestling mat, a hiding place or arts and crafts center.
3. Your child wears his Halloween costume to school in February.
4. You’re on a first-name basis with the workers at McDonald’s.
5. Your child has everything her best friend has.
6. Your six-year-old stays up so late that he can fill you in on Jay Leno’s monologue from the night before.
7. Your daughter’s last birthday party was more elaborate than your wedding.
8. You have three dogs, two kittens, and a parakeet who all hang out around the fish tank.
9. You spend most Saturday evenings in the movie theatre parking lot waiting for your children and their friends.
10. You spend Sunday evenings writing history reports and crafting science projects you found out about during dinner.
11. The text messaging charges are bigger than your monthly cell phone fee.
12. Your child’s band equipment takes up both parking spaces in the garage.

NO Teaches Life Lessons

When you say yes to your children indiscriminately, they control the pace, tenor and direction of your life: buy me, drive me, help me, finish this for me. By calling up a no when you need it, you gain a bit of deserved time for yourself and equally important, no prepares your child for the “real” world.

No teaches children important lessons, essential experiences that aren’t always taught in school such as:

• how to cope with disappointment
• how to argue
• how to strike a balance between work and play
• time management and task prioritization

When children grow up learning these concepts, they are more likely to be successful in their academics, relationships, and later on, in their careers.

Parenting is a forever proposition. You’ll be saying no—or should be—for decades…so park your guilt. I’m pretty sure your children will find something else to fault you for when they're adults. It won’t be the pet monkey, age-inappropriate movie or latest electronic gizmo you denied them during their growing years.

For more on how to say NO to your children, friends, family and at work, see: http://www.thebookofno.com.

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Attention parents of one child of any age! Susan Newman would like to speak with you (your name will not be used) about your choice or the circumstances that led to you having one child. If you’re “on the fence” about having more children, she would like to know that too. Please contact her at: snewman9@gmail.com, and she will explain this research project in detail.

Susan Newman, Ph.D. is a social psychologist and author of 14 books, including Parenting an Only Child, The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only and The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It--and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. Her latest, Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)Learning to Live Together Happily will be published this Spring. Visit her website http://www.susannewmanphd.com; to follow a continuing discussion of only children, see Singletons at Psychology Today magazine.

Wisdom Tooth Week -- by Robin

I got my lower left wisdom tooth pulled this week. A filling had cracked, and I was advised to take it out.

Years ago, I had had four adult teeth pulled when I was getting braces, and I survived. I had totally forgotten that I also had my lower right wisdom pulled decades ago. I have a vague recollection that it was coming in crooked.

I know in the scheme of things health wise, the tooth pulling this week was thankfully not a big one, yet I found myself feeling uptight about it. Especially, when the dentist gave me the lengthy list of the potential aftermath that I might experience, however unlikely, that I had to sign off on. Who would want to get a tooth pulled after reading all that?! I wanted to bolt from the chair immediately, but the assistant came in and reassured me it was standard procedure.

Once the procedure was over and I was all numbed up from novacaine and on Motrin, I did some thinking.

Why was I so nervous? It was only a tooth.

I do have discomfort and a mild headache from it, but it will pass. And, ok, I'm eating just yogurt and sugar free jello right now, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

This procedure pushed a button. A fear button in me. And, one of control. I've found that as I've gotten older, I feel more vulnerable, yet at the same time, protective of my body. In my 20s, I didn't much think about it. Perhaps I felt invincible at the time? Now, I don't.

A number of years ago, I had a scary health scenario that ultimately turned out ok, but it left me with huge trepidation when it comes to doctors....or anyone in the medical profession. I want my body poked and prodded as little as possible by anyone in a white jacket bearing instruments or instrumentalia (as I said jokingly to a friend the other day).

I am appreciative for good medical care, but I'd prefer not to need it.

I recently saw the comedian Susie Essman perform at a very cool event in NYC called Women Who Write. She was hysterical, as she read from her new book (currently featured on the home page of MotherhoodLater.com). I felt like the words were coming out of my mouth, as I think many in the audience did. Susie is in her 50s and admits to often thinking she has diseases when she learns of someone who contracted it. Even if it's prostate cancer. LOL. I have been known, at times, I admit it....to refer to WebMd to look up symptoms I have in the search of self diagnosis. Sometimes it's calming, and other times it gets the wheels turning even further anxiously in my head.

Fortunately, I don't do this with my son. Although, when he recently was put on Tamiflu, I did read up on it a bit. Being informed is a good thing. Being overly fearful when it's not warranted isn't.

I certainly don't want Seth to know I do this....or to have health fears himself. I don't want this to rub off on him. My husband is not this way.

Is it a female thing?

Is it life as a 40 something female thing?

Is it life as a 40 something peri-menopausal female thing?

Perhaps all of the above.

I wish I could return to my more fearless 20-something self. But, we can't turn back the hands of time. And, like it or not, we need doctors, dentists, etc. I was not in a position to pull my own tooth...though my son probably would have taken great pleasure in rising to the occasion for me. He was quick to take out his toy medical kit when I got home. And, he was hugely disappointed when I told him I didn't have the pulled tooth. He asked why? Who knew it would be such a letdown for him not to see my cracked, cavity filled tooth?! If there is a next time (I have two remaining wisdom teeth), I'll know better.

He really is all boy. Perhaps a little dentist in the making? While I'm not so sure of that, I do appreciate his concern for my welfare and his curiosity about the human body.

Some Things Never Change -- by Cara

When I read Jamie’s blog a couple days ago, I was taken back to the days when my son would fight going to sleep any chance he’d get. Back in the days of toddlerhood, nothing, and I mean practically nothing would cajole this boy to sleep. To make matters worse, he was a vomiter, so we couldn’t just let him cry for very long because my husband and I would be cleaning up from his display of irritation.

He also didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 3. He’d wake up for water or just want to know someone was around, and I took over the “night shift.” Almost 3 years of non-consecutive sleep. To this day, I don’t know how I did it.

Actually I do know how I managed to catch up on my sleep. We signed him up for full-day Daycare. He had energy to burn at the Daycare and I would spend my day taking naps, which I continue to do now, years later.

I don’t know what kind of magic sleeping dust this Daycare sprinkled over my son, but they got him to take naps. During the week. And only during the week. On the weekends when we knew our son was tired, we would lay down in his room and try to get him to sleep, thinking if he saw us going to sleep, he would follow suit. Didn’t happen. We even invested in a thick exercise mat that either my husband or I would lie down on with him, trying to get him to sleep. That didn’t work either. He would end up climbing all over us, finding things to do. It could take up to and sometimes more than 2 hours to try to get this child to sleep!

I read every book available on how to get your child to sleep, tried every technique. I even called one author to see if I could make an appointment with her and pay $250 to have her help me get my son to sleep! Alas, she was booked 8 months ahead. I had to find a way on my own.

We eventually resorted to taking him on errands on the weekend and while he slept in the car, either my husband or I would sit in the car with him and just close our eyes.

My son is now 6. He rarely falls asleep before 10 pm and if he does, it is usually a clue that an illness is brewing. And he wakes up around 6 am. He is a true 8 hour sleeper, which means that I continue to be chronically sleep deprived because I always wait until he is asleep before I go to sleep. And I usually have at least a half hour of things that need to be done before I settle into the covers.

So, although he is growing and maturing every day, he remains the 8 hour sleeper. And I remain the chronic napper. I am so jealous of Moms who say, “Oh, it’s 7 pm...we have to get home so that Kevin can get his bath and be in bed by 8.” I laugh to myself, thinking, you don’t realize how wonderful it is that your child goes to sleep so early! But in my home, it just will never be.

What age do kids typically go away to sleep-away camp??

Giving Thanks -- by Jamie

Although this blog entry won’t be posted until after Thanksgiving, I’m hoping I’ll continue to give thanks for all the wonderful things I have in my life long after the holiday has come and gone. That said, I’d like to start here.

As a single mother by choice, I put a lot of thought and effort into becoming a mother, and therefore, I feel very fortunate to be one. I’m especially grateful to Jayda’s sperm donor for helping me create her. But at times when I’m frustrated or disappointed with my daughter’s behavior, I need to remind myself to be thankful that my issues with Jayda aren’t big ones. I may stress over our reward system for potty training, what nursery school will be welcoming and challenging enough for Jayda, and how to get her to fall asleep without rubbing her back and holding her in my arms, but I am fortunate enough to have a healthy, happy, intelligent, and well-loved daughter—and in the grand scheme of things, that’s a lot to be thankful for.

In addition to being a mother, I’m thankful for having a mother—especially one who is so wise, loving, and caring, as well as a wonderful grandmother to Jayda. At a time when I’ve recently witnessed several of my friends lose their mothers, and have listened to others complain about, or battle with their moms, I know I’m very lucky to have a mother who is an amazing maternal figure—as well as my good friend.

I’m also thankful for my father, who has always supported and loved me, and has been there for me to lean on. He epitomizes the type of male role model I want Jayda to have in her life, and fortunately, he’s involved very deeply with her upbringing. He also exhibits many of the qualities I’d like to find in a mate for myself someday, and I’m thankful to him for showing me the depth of love and kindness that both Jayda and I deserve.

After recently listening to the trials of one of my teenage relatives, who laments over not having any good girlfriends, I’ve realized how thankful I should be for my girlfriends. I still socialize with several high school and college friends, as well as my best friend from elementary school. Just as importantly, in the past few years I’ve made some wonderful “mommy friends”—women with children Jayda’s age, whom I can confide in and count on just as much as my friends from my youth. I’ve never taken my friends for granted, but I suppose I may sometimes underestimate how lucky I am to have so many solid connections in my life. And though I still find it difficult to ask my friends for help when I’m in a bind, at least I know I have friends to lean on if I need them. And I’m thankful for that.

Last but not least, I’m thankful for Barney (Aaaargh…did I really just say that?!) for “babysitting” Jayda while I read my paper in the morning, for Folgers coffee for giving me the extra energy I need after Jayda’s 5 a.m. wake-ups, for Gold’s Gym for helping me release my stress (well, at least some of it!) in a positive way every morning, and for all the laughter I have in my life—be it Jayda’s raucous giggles, or my own squeals of amusement while gossiping with friends. These days, while I often find myself stressing over my finances, and my plans for the future, I’m grateful that my life, in general, is filled with happiness, and a wealth of good times. And thankfully, as a result, Jayda is a very happy person, full of lots of laughter, herself. I can only hope she’ll be that way for the rest of her long life. Amen.

Yearning for BFF Times -- by Robin

I am SO looking forward to the weekend.

My good friend, Debbie, who I don't get to see too often since we live a distance apart, is coming to stay with us for a night with her two kids. Though older than Seth, he loves playing with them. And, I am psyched for the time with Debbie.

One of the things that I miss a lot is quality time with close girlfriends (my BFFs...best female friends). Since becoming a mom and no longer working in the city, I don't have access to some as I used to. Debbie and I, back in our single days, both worked in Manhattan and would often socialize together after work or at the very least get in a healthy dose of exercise as we walked to the subway or bus together, enroute to our homes. She lived on Long Island, and I in Queens. And, we'd spend ample time on the weekends on the phone dishing about our week and making weekend plans.

Things are different now.

She lives in New Jersey, and I live on Long Island. For years, we always joked that when we each (hopefully) got married one day, we'd buy homes next to each other or at least nearby.

That didn't happen.

She met a guy from New Jersey, so they wound up settling there. And, I met a guy originally from Queens who was living in Great Neck, NY, so we wound up in Great Neck. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment at first and when it came househunting, we didn't just look in Great Neck. We toured Rockland, Westchester, CT, other areas of LI and even NJ. I originally thought if we at least lived in NJ, even if not far out, I could get relatively close to Debbie....or at least there wouldn't be a bridge between us.

We wound up putting a bid on a house in Glen Rock, NJ that was accepted, but it led to my having a totally sleepless night. I woke up the next day and realized we had made a big mistake. I didn't want to move to New Jersey. I hated the George Washington Bridge. There's always major traffic on it, and I knew that if I were to ever drive to LI, NYC or Queens (where my dad lives), I would not be a happy camper. So, we revoked the offer, and the homeowner was totally understanding. I knew at that moment that Debbie and I would likely never become next door neighbors or even live in the same state.

Since I no longer work in the city, I've endeavored to make friends in the suburbs. And, since becoming a mom, I've made a constant effort to befriend other moms. But, being moms isn't enough to cement a true, meaningful friendship. You have to connect on a level beyond that. I do think it's possible, but it doesn't happen overnight, as my mom friend Jeri says.

There is something to be said for having history with a BFF. Debbie knew me back in my single days. She knew my mom (who has passed away). She understands what my upbringing was like. Where I grew up. What I used to wear. When I first permed my hair. What pushes my buttons, so to speak, etc, etc. And, she's not afraid to "tell it like it is" if I'm venting about something. She helps keep me "real" in that regard....kinda like a dose of tough love that you may not want to hear but you know you need to listen.

And, don't we all need at least one friend like that?! Someone who isn't afraid to say something even if it might not sit right with us. Someone who can ruffle your feathers, but you know they're coming from a truly sincere place of wanting only what's best for you. Someone you could call at 2AM, and they wouldn't hang up. Someone who will let you talk 'n talk and not expect anything in return. There's no hidden agenda. No walking on eggshells. No questioning if they like you or not....or if it's just about a play date for the kids....or for professional networking reasons. You genuinely connect on a kindred spirit level.

I'm grateful to have time (even though it will be fleeting this weekend) with Debbie. I'm glad we've managed to stay close all these years and to share the ups 'n downs of life. She's one of the most grounded women I know (her upbringing was a challenging one), and we always have a good time. It takes me back to the days when life seemed simpler. Uncertain...yes......since we were both single and wondered how things would turn out. Now that we have a sense of that at least for today, we can laugh as we look back on the things we used to worry about. They have since been replaced by an entirely different set of concerns.

Life is an ever-evolving journey, and the more we get to share it, the better.

Shakespeare of Moms -- by Robin

Just have to quickly share (for those who have been waiting on pins 'n needles)....our basement passed final inspection this week. What a huge relief!

Moving on.....I had an interesting experience two nights ago. At the suggestion of a writer friend, I signed up for an acting class through my local adult ed program. She thought it might be beneficialbecause I aspire to write a play, and she has written some in the past and is working on others, and has found it helpful with dialogue, understanding what makes good theatre, etc.

The class began this week, and there are 14 of us, all ages, backgrounds and varied levels of dramatic experience. The instructor quickly asked each of us if we've taken acting and when. I was readily brought back to my college days. I attended Hofstra University (undergrad), and was a French minor. One of the classes I took and loved was a French drama class where I actually performed a scene entirely in French. I was so proud of myself at the time, and it was such a challenge. To this day, I fondly recall the experience and the satisfaction I got from it.

This week in the class, she started out with a variety of exercises in an attempt to get us comfortable in our own skin. Each of us was asked to stand for one minute in the room, to be observed by others, and to do nothing. Not smile. Not react. Not move. Not make eye contact with anyone. Do absolutely nothing.

For many, doing nothing was one of the hardest things they've had to do. I wasn't sure how it would feel for me. When I did it, I felt like I was blinking because my eyes were tired. I fixated on a particular poster in the room and tried to meditate so I wouldn't dwell on the fact that I was the focal point of the other students. I was afraid I'd feel overly self-conscious. It was a seemingly long minute.

After the exercise, we gathered in groups of four to share what we observed about each other. And, not one person said I blinked. I was surprised. And, they said I wasn't overly rigid, didn't rock, or do anything I had been concerned about.

This was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

It's so easy to judge yourself and reach conclusions about how you're perceived that may be far from the truth. And, especially if it's something that makes you feel somewhat insecure or challenged, the feelings can be all the stronger. While I'm a Leo, and sometimes enjoy attention, other times, I prefer not to be the focal point.

Imagine how as mothers it's so easy to pass self judgment. We have high expectations for our performance, yet, if you're a new mom or have one child, we have had no prior training.

The acting teacher spoke of our working on scenes for our next class, and that for those without acting experience, she'd recommend a scene close to us as people versus a Shakespeare. This made sense. Either way, we'll be stretching ourselves, and those who are so motivated, can work their way up to Shakespeare.

For me, that is not an aspiration. And, surprisingly, it made me aware that I don't need to strive to be the Shakespeare of moms either. While I embrace my role as a mom, it's certainly not always easy. But, what in life is? So, why does it make sense not to take on a big acting role right away (with no formal training), yet as a mom, we want to be at the peak of performance?!

It's ok to aim high...and we should...but we're human. We deserve to cut ourselves some slack.

Stellar Shakespearean actors aren't born in a day. And, the same holds true for us moms.


PS -- Take a listen to my interview re: later in life parenting! http://www.therealparentingshow.com/episodes/226/the-real-parenting-show-037-later-in-life-parenting/

Won't You Be My Baby? by Jamie Levine

Although I’m almost 40 years old, I will always be my mother’s “baby.” So, of course, I often look at my 28-month-old toddler, and still think of her as the helpless little infant she once was. But, as Jayda constantly reminds me, herself—when she pees in the potty or swings from monkey bars—“Jayda, big girl now!” In fact, she’s so ”grown up” that when she sees a smaller child in a stroller (a vehicle she, herself, shunned long before the age of two), she calls him or her “a baby”—even if she’s only mere months older. And the smaller the child, the more enamored she becomes, and the more she wants to help take care of the “baby.”

I know all the babies at Jayda’s day care by name—from the infants to the 18-month-olds—because Jayda insists on visiting them all in the morning before she goes to her classroom, and, again, in the afternoon, before we go home. When we visit my friend who has a daughter Jayda’s age, as well as an almost-one-year-old, Jayda generally shows more interest in the baby than in her contemporary. And, when we go to the playground, Jayda always stops her climbing and jumping and swinging as soon as she sees a stroller glide by. She’ll run over and peer inside, and refuse to do anything else but stand and watch the baby.

At home, it’s the same story; Jayda has an arsenal of toy babies whom she dotes on, night and day. There’s “little baby,” her very first doll, which I let her pick out from a shelf full of options at a toy store (and who happens to be African American), and “big baby,” a giggling, bottle-sucking doll that was a birthday present from a friend. There are also countless other dolls and stuffed animals whom she calls her babies, all of whom get fed and cuddled and dressed by Jayda with care.

Both friends, as well as strangers who have observed Jayda’s behavior, have joked that I “need to give Jayda a baby sister or brother.” And, I do believe Jayda would be a wonderful big sis. But I don’t have the desire—or the resources—to have another child. Being Jayda’s mom is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life…but I don’t feel the urge to do it again. No other child could be a more perfect match for me than Jayda. But, as someone who grew up with siblings, I sometimes wonder if Jayda is missing out on anything by being an only child. And when I ponder this, I try to find comfort in something a wise friend once told me: Just because a child has a sibling doesn’t mean he or she will be close to that sibling. I have two siblings…a sister whom I adore and a brother whom I dislike. Sure, I love my brother because he’s my family, but has having him as a sibling enhanced my life? Definitely not. Would I be ok without him? Absolutely. So, there are no guarantees that giving Jayda a baby brother or sister would also mean providing her with a lifelong friend.

Lifelong friends aren’t born…they’re made. And so, I try to surround Jayda with people who love her…people whom she can count on when she needs help and support. People who will do all the things for her a good sibling can do. And, of course, I also try to befriend people who have babies of their own: babies we can visit—but whom I don’t have to take care of, too.

Playdate Etiquette for Moms? by Cara Meyers

My son is a very social child. I love the fact that he is social. First because he makes a friend or two just about everywhere we go, which keeps him entertained. Second, because it forces me to come out of my shell and drum up casual conversation with other Moms, which sometimes even lead to friendships for both of us.

But what do you do when your son has found his “new best friend” and you know in your heart that you just don’t “click” with that child’s Mom. What type of “etiquette” is warranted in situations like this? And where and how do you draw the line so that your child can still have playdates with his friend, while minimizing contact with the Mom in question?

I must say, my son has many friends, and I honestly enjoy the company of his friend’s Moms while we supervise their playdate. But my son has a new friend he adores; a polite, kind, happy child who gets along with my son beautifully. His Mom, on the other hand, is quite another story. I have to admit that I cringe when she suggests we all go somewhere for an outing or a special playdate. It’s not that she isn’t a nice person, we just doesn’t “click.” We share different philosophies about parenting, she comes from a completely different ethnic culture, which I normally would relish learning more about, but she makes assumptions that her ethnic culture is somewhat superior to all others. She is rather close-minded and frequently dominates our conversations. I feel belittled and exhausted from trying to be diplomatic throughout listening to her dissertations. I wish Miss Manners had a suggestion for how to handle the etiquette of such a situation.

My first approach, since my son’s friend lives only blocks away, was to have his Mom drop my son’s friend off at our home for a few hours to play. So the house turned into a tornado. Better that than two hours of listening to unsolicited opinions I have no interest in. Even better is when this Mom reciprocates and invites my son over to her home! A couple hours of peace and I make sure that my son cleans up before he leaves her home.

Still, I get those calls,”The boys are off next week, how about taking them to the farm?” Or, “If you have some free time over the weekend, let’s go for lunch and then see a movie with the boys?” What makes this worse is that this Mom usually presents the idea to her son who relates it to my son before I even get the call. Then I look like “Mommy Meanest” to my child if I don’t relent. And relent I do. Because my son is so incredibly happy with his “best friend.”

I’ve even tried the rude cell phone approach: Call someone and have a lengthy conversation while our children are playing. Or texting my husband so that I only have to HALF pay attention to this Mom. Still, she drones on and on about nothingness. I swear, I want to go home and take a nap after these playdates!

So, what WOULD Miss Manners do under these types of circumstances? Well, I consulted the 17th Edition of “Etiquette,” written by Emily Post’s granddaughter, Peggy Post.
Here she says, “The lesson here is to kill ‘em with kindness. By keeping your cool, you’re teaching by example, such as a parent does for a child.” So, I guess what I am really doing is supervising a playdate of THREE children. And I have to teach all of them by my example of staying levelheaded and remaining calm yet kind. Is this what Miss Manners would REALLY do? What do you think? And how would YOU handle this type of situation?

NOTE: Cara is wearing an exclusive t-shirt design available for sale in the Shop on http://www.motherhoodlater.com.

What Kind of Mom Am I? by Jamie Levine

I was a stay-at-home mom once – if you count the 3 ½ months I was on maternity leave. I was also a full-time working/commuting-to-the-city mom – for about 16 months after that. And right now? I’m not sure what I am. After my beloved children’s book buying job of 10 years was eliminated back in January, I started freelance writing and consulting to pay the bills. In the past few months, I’ve also picked up some coaching clients (I’m a certified life coach). And I’m always networking. Always looking for more work and/or another full-time job, while trying to decide “what to do with my life.” It’s pretty time-consuming figuring out how to support my daughter long-term, by myself. Thus, as I often joke, I’m the busiest unemployed person I know!

When I first lost my job, my immediate reaction was to keep my daughter in her daycare – but for shorter hours – because I didn’t want to “disrupt” her life. She loves it there and well, I love having the time to get my work done without worrying about her. But now, over six months later, it sometimes feels strange. Mind you, Jayda and I have plenty of “extra” time together now that I’m no longer commuting. She’s up at 5 a.m. (and so am I, by default) and I don’t drop her off at daycare until 8. That’s a lot of quality morning time! And when I pick her up at 4 p.m., we still have hours together to do things, eat dinner at the same time, and enjoy a lot of unrushed book-reading and cuddling before bed. I give Jayda plenty of attention, and we’re closer than ever. But I sometimes feel guilty for not keeping her at home with me all the time. I mean, it’s not like I have an office to go to every day.

The truth is, I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom! I love my daughter…truly adore her. But being with her 24/7 drives me nuts! Especially when we’re just staying home or running errands. She’s a wonderful kid…but she is a toddler. A very intelligent, inquisitive, attention-needing, at-times-tantrum-throwing toddler. That’s why I keep us so active when she IS home with me (on weekends, holidays, etc.). I fill up our calendar as far in advance as I can, and run myself ragged going places and doing things with Jayda when we’re together. Because being at home alone with my daughter – and staying idle – makes me crazy.

Of course, financially, I’m not always sure Jayda’s time in daycare makes sense for us. Lately, I’ve been wondering if I should shorten her hours a bit more. But if I bring her in later in the morning, I lose my much-needed before-work gym time. And that’s what keeps me sane. And if I pick her up earlier, it cuts into her outdoor playtime with her friends. Also very important.

Am I being a spendthrift? Or worse – selfish? And what kind of mother can I label myself as now, anyway? I no longer truly identify with my full-time working-long-hours mommy friends…but I’m also not a stay-at-home mom, filling my days with play dates and Mommy & Me classes.

However, I do love our routine. I have just enough Jayda-time and just enough Jamie-time. And while Jayda’s face always lights up when I arrive to take her home from daycare, it does take us 15 minutes or more to get out of there. She’s too busy hugging all her friends, saying goodbye to her teachers, and simply, not wanting to leave. So, for now, I guess I’m just Jayda’s mom…a woman who’s trying to find her way professionally, working to stay healthy and sane, and most of all, is devoted to keeping her daughter happy and thriving. And I suppose that’s a pretty good kind of mom to be.

Who Needs a Husband? I Need My Mommy and Daddy! by Jamie Levine

To be a successful single mom (or at least a sane one!), you really need a good support system: Friends or family whom you can lean on when you’re in a clinch. And, most importantly, they must be people whom both you and your child like and trust. In my case, those people are my mom and dad.

I’m not always comfortable asking for help when I need it. This is a weakness I’ve been working on ever since Jayda was born, but I haven’t yet overcome it. While I’m blessed to have a lot of wonderful friends, it’s never easy for me to ask one of them to watch Jayda when I have to be somewhere else. But my mom and dad? I’ll ask them in a heartbeat. When I need to go to the city for a meeting and it runs late, my parents pick Jayda up from daycare. When I want to go to the gym on a weekend morning, my dad happily entertains Jayda while I’m gone. And when I have a date—with a man, or even just a girlfriend for a glass of wine—my mom and dad are there to listen to the baby monitor while Jayda snoozes.

But what about when they’re not around? Ugh. Only hours after my parents had left for a week-long trip to Vermont, my car started acting up and I was told by my mechanic that I needed to take it to the dealership…a 30-minute drive away. When I made my appointment at the dealership, they told me they’d drive me home after I left my car there, but they had no loaner cars. Huh? I could drop my car off on Tuesday morning right after I took Jayda to daycare. But what if the car wasn’t fixed by the time I had to pick her up? Or worse…what if it would take an extra day to fix it (that day being a Wednesday—the day Jayda is home with me)? How would I pick up my repaired car with Jayda in tote? And, well, simply, how would I deal with being stranded at home for two days?

I wanted to call my mom on her cell phone and cry. But what on earth could she do? She was halfway to Vermont already. And besides, I was supposed to be a “grown up.” Heck, I’m a mom, myself! So, instead, I panicked alone. Binged on gummi bears (the ones I give Jayda to encourage her potty training). Gave myself a migraine. And then, I did what I should have done first: I picked up the phone.

First, I called Jayda’s daycare to see if Jayda could stay later on Tuesday, if necessary. Affirmative. Then, I called a friend whom we had plans with on Wednesday and told her I wasn’t sure we’d be able to make it…everything depended on when I’d get my car back. She immediately offered to come over and watch Jayda if I needed her to—and also suggested we move the play date closer to my house. Wonderful!

That evening, I vented to another friend, who said she’d be in my neighborhood on Wednesday and that she’d love to watch Jayda—or give me a ride somewhere if I needed it. Oh, I love my friends! And on Tuesday morning, as I pulled out of my driveway to take Jayda to daycare, my neighbor waved at us and asked how I was. I mentioned my impending trip to the dealership and she told me she’d be around both Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning if I needed her help. Thank you, neighbor!

Suddenly the unsettled feeling I’d been having ever since I’d spoken to my mechanic disappeared. Everything was going to be ok. And you know what? I took my car to the dealership and they asked if I wanted to wait while they repaired my car. Wait? A whole day? Oh, no. The repairs took 45 minutes and I was back home in time to go to the gym and get all my work done before I had to pick Jayda up from daycare (without the extended hours). Go figure. I guess I don’t need my mom and dad, after all. Well…at least not this week while they’re on vacation!

The Day Camp Dilemma -- by Cara Meyers

One would think, especially a Mom, that day camp for their grade school age child would be easy street on roller blades. First off, your child is out of the home for at least an amount of time equivalent to a full day of school, if not more. Secondly, the day camp experience certainly will wear your child out, what with swimming, sports-type games and general play activities. Then how come some Moms come to dread the end of the day from camp?

Could it be that the damp backpack must first be unloaded, even though you provided your child with ample gallon-size plastic bags and plastic grocery bags to but their wet things in? The bags are usually at the bottom of said wet backpack with ignored sunscreen.

Then there is the precious camp t-shirt. That ONE t-shirt. That must be clean. And dry. Each day of camp. Which means, of course, one of two things: If the t-shirt does not have any visible stains, you can always get away with trying to just hang it up, hoping it dries sufficiently by morning. Or, as is in my case, because I have a boy, and boys are, um, dirty, you must wash the t-shirt each evening. And why wash just one t-shirt when you can throw in the bathing suits, towel, and other miscellaneous laundry lying around that happen to be the same color. So now we are doing laundry at least 5 nights a week.

Next there is the preparation of getting the following day’s camp wear assembled for the next day. Does the following day start with swimming, which would require having your child wear his swim wear to camp while packing dry shorts and the camp t-shirt to change into later on? Or will there be sports activities, necessitating the wearing of shorts and camp t-shirt, while the packing of swim wear for the afternoon instead. And don’t ever forget to pack the water shoes! A mother always knows to have at least two pair, so that while one dries out, the other can be packed for the following day. The same usually goes with sneakers. If one pair gets wet, you have the spare set.

So, obviously, paying attention to the daily camp schedule is of utmost importance. As are the daily activities themselves. Is it “Tie-dye Day?” Then a clean, previously washed white t-shirt will need to be packed. Is it pizza day? Then your child will need to bring in $7. And what if all you have in your wallet are $10s and $20s? Will you be able to get change back? Will you have to send in a $5 you found in your husband’s back pocket and some quarters?

And if it is not pizza day, there is the dreaded packing of a cold lunch that must withstand the heat of a summer day. One counselor suggested freezing a bottle of water to keep the contents of the lunch tote cold. Well, that idea turned my son’s lunch into a complete soggy mess, even with every item sealed in plastic bags. The water also didn’t defrost fast enough, so my son got a couple sips from the bottle and left it in the tote to melt the rest of the day. I had to pour out the contents of the tote over the sink. It was flooded.

So why is it that we Moms look forward to summer and the day camp experience for our children? The only reasonable reason I seem to have been able to come up with?
No homework.


Next Week: My husband has decided to take the Day Camp Dilemma challenge and see whether he can do a better job at preparing my son for Day Camp each day. The results will be the topic of next week’s blog.

Daddies, Daddies, Everywhere! by Jamie Levine

My daughter is a morning person. A very early morning person. Without fail, Jayda is up at 5 a.m. every day--wide awake. And, by default, so am I. Since most of our friends and activities aren't available until the "late" morning hour of 10 or 11 a.m. on the weekends, I've become quite knowledgeable about places that open early, where I can take Jayda and keep her occupied.

Our first stop on Saturday mornings is the bagel store. Every week, without fail, we're there at 6 a.m. to grab "our table." While Jayda works on a mini-bagel with cream cheese, and the staff (who know us well), and the customers (who dote on Jayda), keep her attention, I sip a cup of coffee, and sit patiently for an hour before we go food shopping at 7 a.m. when the supermarket opens.

Jayda is a true "people person" and loves to watch and engage everyone from teenagers to senior citizens. She's also a big flirt. And from a very early age I realized that my daughter LOVES men. As a baby, she'd coo at the busboys when we went to the diner, and bat her eyelashes at our pediatrician during her check ups. When she started her gymnastics class at 18 months, she almost immediately threw herself into the lap of our attractive male instructor. And whenever one of our older male neighbors wanders down the street, she stops everything she's doing and races over to him for a hug.

I've always joked that Jayda is going to introduce me to my future husband. With her big, blue eyes, Shirley Temple curls, and charismatic personality, she really is a man-magnet. However, because all of the men she sees at daycare picking up their children are called "daddies" by her teachers, she's been trained to think that all men are "daddies”—from pimple-faced teenagers to old, wrinkled seniors. Thus, whenever a new male customer enters our bagel store on Saturday mornings, Jayda becomes delighted and yells, "A daddy!" or worse, "Daddy's here!"Sometimes I murmur back to her, "Well, maybe he's a daddy..."

Sometimes I even catch a smirking man's eye and ask him out loud, "Are you a daddy?" just to acknowledge Jayda's observation. Fortunately, I've been assured by several of my married friends that many children call men "daddies" and women "mommies" at this age. But I suspect that single mothers are more sensitive to their children’s use of this word. And, of course, I can’t help but wonder sometimes if Jayda wishes one of those daddies she’s greeting would come home with us.

Then, there are the times Jayda reaches into my pocketbook and I ask her what she’s looking for. “A daddy,” she replies—as she tries to find my wallet. What she really wants is a dollar bill to put in her piggy bank. A piece of paper with George Washington’s face—or a “daddy”—on it. And I realize that for Jayda, “daddy” is just a word. For now.

NEW CARA MEYERS, NEW MOM BLOGGER FOR MOTHERHOODLATER.COM

When “No” Means “Green Eggs and Ham” - by Cara Meyers


What is it about certain six year old boys needing to “test” their mothers in every possible way imaginable? Lately, my six year old son has his own views about what the word “no” actually means.

Take, for instance, this senerio: My son’s friend had a death in the family this past week, making their usual Thursday afternoon playdate impossible to have.

Me: “Honey, Benjamin’s family is very busy today so we can’t see him this afternoon.”

My Son: “Well, how about later?”

Me: “No, Honey. Benjamin’s family needs to be alone today, so we are not having the playdate.”

My Son: “But Benjamin’s not busy.”

Me: (Getting irritated) “We are still not having the playdate. End of story.”

My Son: “What if you call Benjamin’s Mom?”

Me: “I said, “no!” “I am not calling Benjamin’s Mom”...(“Sam I Am!”), “We’re not having a playdate!”...(“Green Eggs and Ham!)

My Son: “Well, what about 5 o’clock? You can call Benjamin’s Mom then.”

Me: (Now irritated AND getting sarcastic), “What part of the word “no” don’t you understand?”...(“I will not call at 5 o’clock! I will not do it! I just will not!")

My son: “Maybe we can walk over to Benjamin’s house and see if he can play?"

Me: (Steam now emitting from my ears), “PLEASE tell me what you don’t understand about “no!!” I really want to know what there is about “no” that doesn’t make sense to you!!...(“I WILL NOT KNOCK, Sam I Am, I WILL NOT KNOCK, Green Eggs and Ham! I do not want to call or write! There is no playdate, THAT IS RIGHT!!)

My son: “Well, maybe we could meet him in the park?"

Me: (Glaring and taking deep breaths while thinking...”I will not meet him in the park, I will not meet him in the dark...I will not call his Mom, oh no, I will not knock on doors and oh...WE WILL NOT MEET HIM, LITTLE MAN, NOW GET YOUR BOOK , ‘GREEN EGGS AND HAM’!!!”)

My son: “Could you pick Benjamin up and bring him to our house?”

Me: (Almost ready to blow, “I will not, WILL NOT, let you play! Why must you ask me every way? I will not pick up Ben to play, I will not go to the park today! I will not call his Mom or knock! I will not do it at 5 o’clock! We will not have a playdate today! NOW WHY CAN’T YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY??!!)

Me: “I’m done with this conversation. Now go read your book”.


Written by Cara Meyers, currently a stay-at-home Mom who lives with her husband, six year old son and two dogs on Long Island, NY. Cara had her son shortly before she turned 40 years old and was a practicing Registered Dietitian before she became a Mom. Blogging has now become her new “profession!”

Home Work

Felt like a prisoner in my own home yesterday.

The alarm company came, and we're now back in full working order, but what was supposed to take a few hours, went into the early evening. That, combined with the gloom and rain, made it quite a tedious day. Not that I wanted for things to do...I was busy networking on the phone....had some very interesting chats re: motherhoodlater and my love coaching work....but by the time my son came home from camp, my husband came home from work and dinner time rolled around, I was itching to get out with no place special to go.

No good movies were playing...my husband offered to put my son to bed so I could go out if I wanted.

I didn't feel like going shopping.

Then what?

Could have hit the gym, but wasn't feeling it.

I was at a loss. And, I kinda wanted to hang with Seth and play a bit. He's become very playful these days before bedtime, and it's been fun.

So, I stayed home, but it was such an isolating day. I guess some days are just like that and we have to be accepting. The daily routine of life isn't always exciting.... but as long as it's relatively calm, one can be grateful.

Today is a different day. The plumbers are done for the moment (until tomorrow), and no more workers are expected until the morning...so I'm a free bird.

Gonna try to wrap up some work on my computer and hit the pool by myself this afternoon and then again take Seth if he wants to go after camp. There is the possibility of showers later, so I don't want to wait until then.

Working from home is a blessing and challenge at the same time.

I was chatting with a gal yesterday who at present is working from home and was sharing how isolating it felt. I can relate. Yet, another mom I know who works fulltime now, yearns to be home with her young son.

Is it that we're never totally happy with what we have? Or do things look greener on the other side of the fence? (Is that the expression?)

Hmmmm...something to think about. I'd sure like to be fully content in the present moment, and I envy people with that capacity. Something to aspire to.


PS -- On another note -- Are you a fan of Todd Parr, the super cool and clever best-selling children's author/artist?? I am.... and I just learned he's coming out with a new line of kids clothes to be sold at select Nordstrom stores starting 8/15. Check it out at http://www.planetcolorbytoddparr.com/. It's for ages 18 months - 6 years.....boys and girls. Fun, colorful, quirky art and positive messages are his trademarks.

My Former Self

This has been an interesting week.

Seth started camp. Both he and I are adjusting to this new schedule, since the bus comes a bit earlier than it did for school, and returns later. He's been totally loving it and coming home completely ravenous. He walks in the door and announces that he's hungry. Now that I expect it from him, I make sure to have dinner started so he can eat pronto.

We've almost made it through another week with the contractors. The basement is moving along. I've come to realize what a truly blind item it is when you hire workers and you have no knowledge of construction. You come to rely on them completely to do what is needed and best. And, that's as it should be. But, I find it funny when the head contractor calls me downstairs to look at their handywork and attempts to explain why certain pipes have been moved, etc. I listen politely, but don't completely grasp all that he is saying. Fortunately, I know in my gut that he's on top of things, and that's what counts in the long run.

My datebook has been chockful of things to do this week....much minutia, I must say. And, it can get overwhelming at times. I was speaking with my dad today, and he started rattling off all that is on his list. It made me realize that we all seem to be grappling with a laundry list of things that require time and attention. When did life get so perpetually full?! And, he said to me that he's only one person (my mom passed away), and I really felt for him. Life can be busy enough if you have a partner to share it with. And, add to that children, and there's much to juggle and attend to.

I received an email via Facebook this week from a gal I used to work with when I was a Vice President at a NYC public relations firm. It was a true blast from the past and a welcome one. It brought me back there right away to the days of my having an office, wearing panty hose (not that I liked them), ordering in a tuna salad lunch from this delivery place I loved, hanging with office mates, and challenging my creativity on a daily basis, which, though pressured, suited me well. I was in my element. I didn't adore all the powers that be at the firm, but ultimately it proved a great learning ground to build my confidence and have my own practice for a period of time.

I was single most of the time I worked there, and hearing from her reminded me of my dating days, socializing with friends in the city, etc. I didn't love the daily routine of commuting into Manhattan (I lived in Queens and then Long Island), but I did relish the energy when I was there.

Last night, Marc and I got a sitter for Seth, which we rarely do on a weeknight. We had gotten tickets to see the Broadway musical Rock of Ages, since Broadwaybox.com had a special running on a number of shows prior to 4th of July.

The show featured music from the 80s. It's been a long time since I've listened to groups like Quarterflash and Journey. (I still have my record album collection in the basement at my parent's house.) It was a lot of fun, and once again, reminded me of another chapter in my life. Though I wouldn't trade where I'm at presently, there are times I must admit that I miss the days when, despite the fact that I worked fulltime, somehow life didn't feel quite as incessantly busy.

Perhaps part of it is the advent of technology. As much as it has the power to connect, inform and enhance people's lives, it's yet one more thing to do. And, really not "one" thing...but many....since the internet never sleeps.

Speaking of sleep....I'm not getting as much as I'd like/need with all that is on my mind and To Do list. But, I'm so glad it's a holiday weekend. I cross my fingers that the weather holds up and we get to hang at the pool.

There, I am somehow better able to focus on the immediate experience, especially when I'm practicing the crawl stroke. I've ever been one who loved swimming with their head in the water, so this is a whole new arena for me, and I'm enjoying the challenge. When my face is submerged, the world takes on an entirely new perspective, and there's something very freeing about that.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful 4th!

Gal Pals Day Out

Had such a fun and relaxing day yesterday....just have to share.

A friend of mine bought a new house in the country, and she was excited to have me come visit. So, she, I and a mutual friend of ours, drove upstate after Seth left for school, and we spent a leisurely afternoon and evening at her home.

It was a lovely day on many levels.

I feel like I'm racing the clock on a daily basis, so to allow myself the opportunity for a day away from my computer (though I did have my Blackberry), was a treat. Since she is spending only sporadic time at the house right now, it's not fully furnished, and there was something to be said for the sparseness of it. The energy felt free-flowing. And, the views from her oversized windows were impressive. Corn fields. A pond. Mountains. Canadian geese. Ok.....the geese pooped all over her deck on the pond, so the serene picture wasn't perfect, but then, what in life is?!

One of my friends who came is adept at decorating, planning out home spaces, etc., so she went to work immediately offering advice on what might be done. It was cool to hear the ideas she was coming up with and to watch her mind at work. She is an artist, so I'm in awe of her talent as is.

My other friend composes music, and she proudly showed us her new Yamaha keyboard, and I thought how amazing it must be to write music in the country and hear it played in this woodsy home with expansive ceilings, etc. I'm sure it sounds wonderful.

I was content just laying back, though I did help my artist friend work on a proposal for an art exhibition she'd like to submit to. It felt good to put on my thinking cap for someone else. Sometimes I feel so caught up in my own projects and endeavors, that it's helpful to step outside my own arena and brainstorm on another person's behalf. It reminded of my pre-motherhood days when I used to work in Manhattan for a PR firm and was constantly producing for clients looking to make headlines re: their products or services. I loved seeing what I could come up with and how the press would respond.

Yesterday, each of us also did our own thing for part of the time in the house, and I liked the vibe of being with other creatve entrepreneurs all working toward our respective goals. It's so isolating, I find, working from my house on Long Island. I'm a big people person, yet I'm a sole practitioner who is home-based.

As the afternoon progressed, we took a ping pong break. It felt like a trip down memory lane. I can't remember the last time I played ping pong or where I played, but I remembered that I always liked it. And, my skill came back. I played pretty well, especially considering it's been years since I picked up a paddle. And, as leisurely as we all tried to take the game, alternating playing singles, the competitive streak came out in each of it, and the game took on zealous speed. It somehow reminded me of my life...bouncing back 'n forth between various pursuits.

I now want to get a ping pong table, if we can fit it in our basement.

We left her house late, and it was raining and so very dark, but still peaceful. We stopped at a Mexican place and had an after hours dinner, and I returned home around midnight. I was yawning away in her car, yet when my head hit the pillow, I was wired and couldn't sleep. It had been both an exhilarating and calming day.

I felt like a free woman for the day. Not a mom. Not a wife. Not a daughter. Just Robin. The Robin who is more capable that she might think of laying back.

I need to tap into that Robin more often. I think all us busy multi-tasking "later" moms need to take the time to soothe our inner spirit, rejuvenate, and remind ourselves of who we were before motherhood.

Our children, mates, etc. will probably like us all the better for it, because we will ultimately be happier if we recapture any joy from yesteryear that feels lost. Or, even if it doesn't feel lost, but has taken on a different shape, it still feels good to rediscover activities we loved and the joy of both play and doing nothing.

I look forward to teaching my son the rules of ping pong one day.


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Valentine's Day & A High School State of Mind

It's Valentine's Day.

What do you have on tap?

My husband is working today....tax season....and then we have errands to run later.

So, it's me and Seth hangin' at the moment...and he's being very good company today. Often he can get a bit naggy asking me incessantly, "what are we doing today?" But, today isn't one of those days, thankfully.

What would I be doing to celebrate Valentines' Day if I were single, I've been thinking? (Not that I wish I was.) Would I feel like I should have a date? (probably...knowing me) Would I feel like I should be going to a party and socialize? (probably...knowing me) Would I decide to get a massage? (probably not....though I should) I strongly believe that we should, as best we can, do what feels good.

I had lunch with a gal from high school yesterday who I haven't seen in years. We've been loosely in touch via email, but getting together was nice. It was different in person. Email is not the same. A positive trip down memory lane. I think back on high school with fond memories.

Hard to believe it's like 30 years later. And, interesting, how as women, we can immediately find a way to reconnect. Before I knew it, we were talking about hormones, etc. Exchanging health tips, etc. If felt good, and reminded me of who I was a long time ago before I became a mom. I wasn't one of those gals who from a very young age aspired to parent. And, this particular friend of mine, isn't married and has no desire to have children. She had an autistic brother growing up who she cared for quite a lot....and now she works as a visiting nurse.....so she doesn't wish to play caretaker to a child. I could totally understand and applauded her for being true to herself, and making the decision that feels right to her. That is so important!

When she was in high school...did she think she'd marry?

Did I think I'd marry?

Did kids come into either of our minds? (not me)

I enjoyed being my own person. And, while I lived at home, I had a close bunch of male and female pals that got together regularly. I had always relished being with groups of people. I do miss that these days. Everyone is so busy, except when you see them at a kids party. And, then, we all return to our rapidfire lives of responsibility.

I was reading the sad story of the airplane crash this week in Buffalo, NY. One of the deceased was a woman who lost her husband on 9.11 and had become an activist for the families involved, working with government to try to make the world a safer place, etc. In an article about it, it discussed how she and her late husband had been high school sweethearts. I thought that was so endearing. And, bittersweet. Life is so inpredictable. She just passed away in her 50s, and I'm sure when she was a high school student, the last thing she would have ever imagined is that both she and her husband would each die tragically and as violently as they did....and not make it to old age.

We so need to appreciate today and live fully and happily. I, personally, wish I could preserve some of the carefree mindset I had in high school.

How about you? Do you ever think back to high school? What did you envision for your life? Are you living what you had hoped for or expected? How does it feel? What would you want for your child/children when they're in high school, given what you know as you look back on your own life?

Feel free to share.

Future Later Mom Empty Nester

I am so tired of this winter. Are you?

And, Seth's school bus is stressing me out.

The bus aide gave me the evil eye the other day when we weren't standing outside awaiting their arrival. It's cold out there in the morning. Can't we wait just inside our doorway, and Seth can scamper out when they arrive?

Today the bus was two hours late. There was a school opening delay due to the weather yet again.

I ask you....are we done with snow yet this season? I hate the ice and mess. Don't like driving or walking on it. It's just not my thing. A sno-bunny I'm not.

So, why do I live in a place like New York? Sometimes I wonder. Though, there's a lot good to be said about it, but the weather wouldn't be high on my list.

Seth said a funny thing the other day.

He announced how a little girl in his class wants to marry him, and he might want to marry her one day. Not now, of course. They're 5. (though I often say he's 5 going on 15) And, he went on to say that when he gets married, he'd like to live in our house. Not with us....but without us...I presume.

Part of me thought, that would be cool, if he really means it. I'm not sure I personally want to live in this house forever. I do love my house (and we're about to embark on a major basement project). But, life in suburbia doesn't always suit me. I might like to live in the city one day and maybe even retire there.

But, how do you decide where you want to retire? Some flock to warmer climates, and I wouldn't mind that. But, would I be happy in a place like Florida or Arizona? Not sure. Maybe. I do like cactus and mountains and wild rabbits. It's something to think about.

It also got me thinking about being a later mom empty nester one day. I have mom friends who are already empty nesters and are in their 50s. I don't know how old I'll be when I fit that bill, but I do know I'll be at least 60 if not older. 60 feels like such a big number. Wow. Can you imagine?! Me 60 one day. G-d willing, that will be the case.

Where will I be in my life then? What will I want? Questions. Questions. And, I'm certainly not prepared to answer any of them.

How did I get on this topic anyway?

Oh yeah....it snowed here again, and I'm feeling a bit clastrophobic, having stayed in all day today.

Tomorrow is another day, and I have a luncheon meeting. Followed by a gym workout. I look forward to both.

A Sandwich Generation Weekend

I've blogged on this subject before. While I hate to be a broken record, I feel the need to share again.

My dad is 90, and my son is turning 6 next month.

It was a long, snowy weekend here in NY, since yesterday was a school holiday. My dad stayed with us since his aide went home, and he just returned to his house 1/2 hour ago via a car service dedicated to the elderly. I'm glad that he didn't have to drive himself in the snow, even though he prides himself on being independent car-wise.

It was a tension-filled weekend for me, and I felt like I was snappy. I hate being that way, but I couldn't help myself. I'm thrilled that my son and dad got to spend quality time (they sleep in the same room...my dad in a rollaway bed), but my dad did nothing but complain the whole weekend about how he feels.

His life has become a rollercoaster of making doctor rounds. At times it feels like he's in search of a magic pill to relieve all his ailments.

I find myself telling him that as a 40 something mom, I don't feel as great as I did 20 years ago. In fact, my dad looked at photo in my office taken when I was in my 20s and had a fulltime job in PR. It happened to be a shot of me with Bob Hope...my company had done an event with him...and I was thrilled to have the chance to talk with him. But, yes, I looked younger, and my dad commented on how different I looked.

So, there you have it...we all age. As much as we might love to turn back the clock, we can't.

So, what to tell a 90 year old? Friends tell me to listen partly with a deaf ear when he complains. But, that's easier said than done.

I want to try to help him. I dropped an email to an integrative doctor we both use and asked a couple of questions on my dad's behalf. I await his response.

I try to be supportive for my dad, but after a while, I can't take listening to it anymore. And, there are so many elderly people I see who are way worse off. Is that any consolation to him? I suppose not. He just wants to feel half way decent, as he puts it. I want that for him too.

I'm sad that he feels his life isn't a quality one. He's made that statement too.

I actually wound up asking him if he'd prefer not to be living (I know it's an awful question to ask)? He just said he wanted to feel good.

Does anyone who is 90 feel good? I wonder. I'd love to know.

Do you know of anyone that age who feels as they would like to?

Is attitude part of it? Until my dad was 87, he had his share of health challenges over the years, but his age seemingly suddenly caught up with him. And, now he says it's not like him to complain. But, actually it is like him to complain...he just was lucky until 87. Since then he's been nothing but frustrated, and it's what I hear all day/every day whether in person or on the phone.

On one hand, I don't want him to conceal how he feels, in case I can help. On the other hand, maybe sometimes you just have to make the most of life despite it all?! How do people in wheelchairs cope? What about someone with chronic illness? What about someone with dementia?

Do they all hate their lives? Do they just vent incessantly?!

Don't get me wrong. I love and value my dad. I am grateful for him and all that he has done for me and for his on-going support, love, etc. I just miss the way he was. He was my chipper dad.

Do you have a senior parent in your life with health challenges and how do they cope? I'd welcome hearing your experiences.

Thanks for listening to mine.

MISSING MOM

To give you an update....we made it through week three without a nanny unscathed, and things are gradually shaping up on this end.

We decided to enroll my son in an after school program for two days. Turns out a bunch of boys he knows are also in the program, so he's a happy camper about going there. And, we feel good about him having further socializing opportunities. Having him there is also helping me to straighten out my schedule, since I know that I have a bigger chunk of time available during the day to get things done. I feel a bit less like I'm racing the clock, though there still never seems to be enough hours in the day these days.

I've been sharing our nanny story with people gradually...those who knew her...and everyone is a bit stunned at the way it sadly concluded. Myself included, of course.

It made me think back to when Seth was a little one and how we've always had help. This is a whole new experience for us. So many moms I know have family support, which is so wonderful.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I become accutely conscious of family. I was speaking with one mom friend yesterday who mentioned she is cooking for 16. And, that she and her husband are going away in a couple of weeks to stay at a friends time share. Her parents or her husband's parents will stay with the kids (she has two) while they're gone.

I wondered...what is that like?

I am a "later" mom who is herself the product of "later" parents...and my mom passed away 10 years ago. My dad is a senior with health challenges. And, my husband lost his dad, and his mom is a senior. So, we have no parental help with Seth, and little family to spend holidays with. My sister and her family and my husband's brother and his family are all traveling for Thanksgiving.

I'm not a big entertainer, so I don't mind not having a crowd over for dinner. But, I do get a bit melancholy when I think of what holidays were like for me growing up. My mom would cook, and the whole house smelled great. And, I remember her signature recipes, i.e. matzoh stuff and pumpkin bread with chocolate chips. My husband now makes the pumpkin bread, which my son loves, and I feel like we're sharing a bit of my mom with him, who he never knew.

I mentioned to a new friend the other day that my mom never met my son and how much she would have loved him. I'm sad for that, though we talk about her and share her photos with Seth. And, one day (when I have the emotional strength) can show him videos. But, they remain hard for me to watch.

So, if you have your parents, I urge you to enjoy them and not just during the holidays. Stay in the moment. Treasure their presence in your family's life...even if the relationship isn't perfect. You'll miss them when they're gone, regardless, and perhaps wish things might have been different. So, seize this time and try to create as loving a scenario with them as you can.

I'd love to have my mom back, even for a moment, so she could smile at my son.

Is This What 40 Something Is?

I've blogged about my fibroids. I've written about my erratic sleeping patterns, I think due in part to hormones. A couple of months ago, I hurt the rotator cuff on my right arm....I believe due to lifting Seth under that arm. And, it's still not 100 percent. I didn't even know what a rotator cuff is. Now I'm all too aware.

As if my health isn't enough of an open book, I'm going to share the latest. I just found out I have tiny gallstones. And, the gastro doc I saw right away said I should see a surgeon. I totally balked and immediately emailed my integrative doctor and starting researching on the web. He faxed to me a liver/gall bladder flush which patients have had success with when the stones are small. Mine are described as "tiny," so I'm hoping this does the trick. I'm only mildly symptomatic at this point.

I figured I just had to drink some olive oil and lemon juice as a friend suggested. But, no, this is much more involved, including the use of coffee, berries, heavy whipped creme, etc. I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, this is not going to be a walk in the park. Thankfully I don't have to drink the coffee....but I'm dreading this whole procedure. And, how do you know if it works? The instructions said that if you feel nauseous during the night, that's a good thing. We want to achieve that result, it stated. Terrific! Another reason not to sleep.

I'll do it. I'm a trooper. And, this is WAY better than surgery, even laproscopic.

I had a chat with my trainer at the gym about this, who in addition to working my body, has become like a mom figure/therapist/friend. Sometimes we yak more about life stuff and the exercise lags behind, but it's always comforting since she is well read on health matters and loves to share.

This past week she confided in me that I should get used to this kind of stuff. That once you hit 40 (not that she or I want to depress you), according to her, your body changes and things happen, however minor. But, it takes adjustment, and ultimately acceptance...and letting go of control if we ever thought we had it. This isn't easy for me to swallow. I'd rather swallow tons of supplements, than this notion.

I'm hearing this from others too. A friend I recently had dinner with said she has a couple of herniated discs and is now seeing a chiropractor. Another gal I know in her 40s just had hip replacement. And, people are buying reading glasses, taking MSM pills for aches, etc.

Granted, luckily, none of this is serious in the scheme of things. But, as one mom said to me, it's amazing, because when she was younger, her biggest health concern was an occasional cold. And, now she's living in a body she doesn't fully recognize.

At a time when we need self care the most, it's so hard to get it when mothering requires major time and effort.

I guess going with the flow is the best attitude, and being grateful for our bodies, despite newfound developments.

Anyone else finding 40+ a time for bodily changes?

The Green-Eyed Monster

I'm jealous. And, I'm sorry for how I feel, but at times, I can't help it. I'm being brutally honest.

I'm deeply envious of those moms who still have their parents and have a close relationship with them. They are SO lucky, and I feel the loss.

My mom passed away 10 years ago, and as I think I've mentioned in previous blogs, she never met my son. I try super hard not to dwell on this, but clearly it has left a wound for me. I adored my mom, and nothing would have made her more happy than seeing me become a mom. I would have liked to make her proud, and while I know her spirit is with me, Seth did not meet her. I tell him about her and he's seen photos, but for sure, it's not the same.

I broach this subject because a mom friend of mine emailed me today that she is going to Europe with her husband for a family function. I asked if her two kids are going? She said, no, they would remain at home with her folks, who would stay at her house while they are away.

I found myself emailing her back and writing You are SO fortunate to have them.

While the last thing I aim to do is put myself on a soap box about this subject, there is a little voice inside me that often feels compelled to scream to other moms "Cherish your mom. Appreciate her. Let her know how you feel. Flaws and all."

My mom wasn't perfect. What is perfect? But she was MY mom, and that was all that mattered. I love my dad big time, but he's different than her.

What a treat for kids to spend time with their grandparents, especially if they live close and can visit regularly...and want to be there. And, how great for a couple to have the opportunity to get away and know that their children are in top notch hands, and that it is a special bonding experience for all involved.

I would have so welcomed that. As a 40 something mom, I recognize that if I had become a mom earlier in life, my own mom would have lived to see it. But, everything happens, I do believe, as it is meant to. I don't live in regret. We wouldn't have Seth if things had played out differently.

It just pains me at times when I hear people complaining about their well-meaning mother. I respect that people have differences. But, for example, another mom I know says that her mother spoils her child by buying him so many toys, for no occasion.

While I understand the concept of toy overload (we have that in my home)....in the scheme of things, that would be a nice problem to have. That you mom relishes your child so much that she can't do enough for them. And, perhaps she has wisdom to share. I find myself often quoting my mom and recalling what she would likely say, if I'm having an off day.

So....to all the moms out there who still have their mom....enjoy!!!

Where There's a Will

It's not something I like to think about or talk about. And, I don't embrace writing about it. But, I wanted to share with you a couple of discussions that recently came up with mom friends, both of whom are 40 something, like myself.

We were out to dinner with a family that has a three year old, and the subject of camp came up. As you know from my previous blog post, my husband and I have been visiting various summer camps and debating where to send Seth this year. Thankfully, we have made a decision on that front, and now it's just a question of how long we are sending him for.

In taking about it with these friends, they said that they, too, have signed their son up for camp, and there is the option that most camps offer of having him bused. It is not in their town, and would probably be about a 20 minutes bus ride, depending on how many children also have to be picked up/dropped off.

I recalled when Seth first got on the bus to go to nursery school. He was 3.5. I cried after he left, but he had a total blast. I got tearful because it was hard to believe he was capable of going on a bus without me. When I shared with these friends my experience and how Seth adored it, the mom said that wasn't her concern. She was worried for his safety. Who is the bus driver? she asked. What kind of driver is he? etc....etc. Her preference was to have her stay-at-home-husband drive him back 'n forth to the camp they selected.

When Seth first got bused, we met the driver and spoke to the school about it, and basically put our trust in this man. Thankfully, it has been ok, and he is Seth's driver again this year.

Then, we had lunch with a mom friend and her four year old twins. She was talking about taking a drive with her husband to go to a meeting they both had to attend. Her children didn't need to be there and could potentially be left home with the nanny, but she opted to take them. Then, she made a comment that I found a bit intriguing/surprising. She said she wanted to take them with her in case something happened. That she and her husband don't typically do things just the two of them without the kids for that reason.

To be honest, I didn't know how to respond. I asked, you mean that if G-d forbid you got into a car accident and got killed that you'd want your children to die with you? Not that she is a doom 'n gloom person and was anticipating this, but yes, that was her thought.

Then I asked, do you have wills? Have you provided for your children? Do you know who would care for them if something did happen to you and your husband? She said no.

Marc, my husband, and I, invested in hiring an attorney last year to draw up wills for us and other paperwork so that we know Seth will be secure, if need be. It is not something pleasant to discuss, and it led us to really examine who is in our lives and who we would want to raise Seth if we were gone. I don't want to think about that. Who does? Mortality? That's a hard nut to swallow. But, I do at least have the peace of mind to know that we've put things in place for Seth.

This leads me to the question...shouldn't we all as parents?! Isn't it our responsibility to have a will and whatever else is necessary, for our children's sake? Sure we want them to be safe, but there's only so much we can do.